My Kink List and How It Helped me

Warning – This is a long post and contains a lot of personal information.

Earlier I was looking back on what I’ve written so far, and I wondered – is it a tad too personal? After a moment’s thought I decided – no. In fact I don’t think it’s personal enough. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean this in the sense that I feel the need to tell every gritty detail to whoever may be reading (although if for some reason or another it helps someone with their own feelings, awesome). Rather it’s that I’m still holding back, if I’m going to make this blog about self-discovery and growth, I can’t hold back. I’ve kept journals where I won’t even write everything I may want to, because I worry that someone’s going to pick it up and read about some rather personal moments that I’d rather they didn’t. Here I have a unique opportunity to really let loose, dig down deep and figure out what it is that’s really making me tick. And last night has given me the perfect chance to go into something that is personal, but in a way that is definitely important to what it is I’m trying to do here – so, wish me luck!

*Deep breath*

It all began with my have a good dig around through the internet, as always. It was just a casual browse looking at various aspects of BDSM and vanilla sex, seeing what turns me on and what doesn’t. Originally this was intended to come up with a sort of list of what I’d like to try, soft limits and hard limits, I thought that gathering me thoughts and actually getting a list down would really help me distinguishing from the interesting, the slightly uncomfortable but still exciting, and the absolute no’s. I read advice articles, tips for beginners, more extreme posts and even an odd bit of erotic fiction where it took my fancy. So what did I come up with? I used external kink list to help me cover as many bases as possible, so it’s pretty extensive and I’ve tried to provide reasons for many of the answers.

 

DEFINITELY want to try

–          Light bondage

–          Sensation play

–          Teasing and orgasm control

–          Anal sex

–          Anal plugs (small)

–          Arm & leg sleeves

–          Blindfolding

–          Being bitten

–          Breast/chest bondage

–          Being serviced sexually

–          Corsets (Have to say I actually LOVE corsets – so pretty and I’m not sure why, but I kind of like the pressure pressing down on my stomach. Never heard of this anywhere else so I might just be a bit odd!)

–          Waist training (LOVE tiny waists too!)

–          Leather cuffs

–          Dildos (especially since I’m bi)

–          Double penetrations (want to try it, but obviously something to work up to)

–          Exhibitionism (in a sense of walking around naked at a play party or something similar. Might actually find this quite liberating as long as my skin wasn’t too bad at the time or I didn’t have a little pot belly or something along those lines haha).

–          Forced masturbation (quite out of my comfort zone but oddly titillating)

–          Forced nudity (again only in the right scenario)

–          Inflatable, phallic or cloth gags (may change my mind after trying but am interested)

–          Genital sex (should hope so at some point!)

–          Hand jobs (nothing like a good ol’ fashioned from time to time. I may watch too much South Park)

–          Fellatio/cunnilingus

–          High heel wearing

–          Immobilisation (probably with sexual elements, just not being able to move on its own wouldn’t do much for me)

–          Leather clothing (why not? Can’t do with overheating though – I usually end up dizzy or at worst unconscious).

–          Leather restraints (would prefer soft leather, all the wriggling with none of the pain!)

–          Lingerie (how is this even on the list? Surely even the most vanilla like a bit of pretty/sexy underwear?)

–          Giving/receiving massage

–          Phone sex (in a being-told-what-to-do way, actually seems pretty hot and may make me less self-conscious than other situations. Absolute privacy a MUST)

–          Saran wrap

–          Scratching (with nails, not to the point of drawing blood – but digging in your nails a bit is fine with me! With my talons it’d probably be a bit unavoidable for my partner too haha)

–          Spreader bars

–          Sucking on/penetrated by strap-on-dildos

–          Vibrator on genitals (YES)

 

MAY want to try

–          Light pain play (spanking, nipple clamps, stuff like that)

–          Mild power play (as submissive)

–          Sensory deprivation outside blindfolding – only headphones really (I say headphones because I always find earphones uncomfortable or they fall out of my teeny tiny ears all the time, which I imagine would be pretty annoying in a scene haha. Also anything going in my nose? NO, don’t find anything involving noses to be sexy to be honest haha).

–          Heavy bondage

–          Public bondage under clothing

–          Public bondage over clothing – STRICTLY if it was in a play party or something along those lines. I’d consider anything in a vanilla situation breaking the rule of consent for those around me – for instance other shoppers in a mall. Also I’d feel a bit too embarrassed, definitely not in a good way).

–          Cages (nothing against them, but don’t particularly see the appeal. See a bit boring to be honest, or perhaps I’m just not being creative enough!)

–          Very light caning – somewhere on the pain levels of moderate spanking? Not quite sure, hard to tell on this one without experience to be honest.

–          Chains (understand the idea of really being unable to escape, but I think I’d prefer to be able to struggle a bit without hurting my wrists)

–          Metal cuffs (same as with chains)

–          Chores (not that I wouldn’t like to help someone out around the house, just don’t get turned on by it)

–          Clothespins (Are all clothespins made equal? I think I’d prefer a light – moderate level of pinching, if that makes any sense!)

–          Collars (again feel a bit silly, but if they’re really into it I’m not TOO bothered)

–          Enemas (as long as I could go to the toilet without being watched. More as a sense of feeling a bit cleaner during anal play than anything else)

–          Vaginal/anal fisting (almost a soft limit. I struggle with even fingering myself at the moment so it may be that I can never be comfortable with this level of stretching. If I could though I would like to maybe try it. Awkward question – does fisting make you less tight? If so I’d be less inclined to try it. Awkward question over).

–          Following orders (to a degree, may need to discuss things like tone of voice and things I’d REALLY find uncomfortable, but hopefully in a way that doesn’t just completely take away the point of it)

–          Forced dressing (okay, but wouldn’t it be more fun the other way? :P)

–          TEMPORARILY given away to another Dom (would need to be someone I knew and trusted, although I may waive this a little in a play party scenario)

–          Hair brush spankings (again, would need to gauge my tolerance by trying)

–          Harems, serving with other subs (again would need plenty of discussion going into specifics, but an interesting idea)

–          Hot oils (again, not sure of my pain threshold. I hear this is quite different from other types though i.e. some people who only like light pain enjoy it/people who like heavy pain don’t)

–          Light humiliation (would be pretty specific, it’s easy for me to cross that line of embarrassed in a good way and OMG I WANT TO CRAWL UNDER A ROCK AND DIE)

–          Ice cubes

–          Intricate rope bondage

–          Extended kneeling (more a technical thing. For reasons I’ve never understood, if I’m ever kneeling for a long time, the top of my foot feels stretched and quite painful. Not bothered by the submission aspect, especially if I could cuddle up to my partner’s legs – such a softy haha).

–          Manacles and irons (like the ‘can’t escape’ idea, don’t like tugging to be painful)

–          Manicures (not because they get me off, I just have really long nails and can spend hours painting little patterns on)

–          Nipple clamps (may be a bit too much more me, but willing to try after working up to it)

–          Prison scenes (could be fun)

–          Pussy worship (why not?)

–          Restrictive rules of behaviour – purely in a sexual context (still not too sure though)

–          Serving in the context of a sexual scene

–          Slutty clothing (at a play party, in private only)

–          Stocks (not any kind that would any strain on my back – I would get frustrated in a very not-good way pretty quickly)

–          Using strap-on-dildos (just don’t feel like a top, would try if I were in a lesbian relationship though – wouldn’t really be fair not to!)

–          Swallowing semen (can’t really know how I’ll react ‘till it happens)

–          Triple penetrations (sounds hot in theory, may not be so great in practise)

–          Uniforms

–          Voyeurism (not in the ‘they don’t know we’re watching’ kind of way)

 

Soft Limits (Would try for someone else/ under the right circumstances)

–          Breath control (to a limited degree, almost a hard limit but not quite. I also can get low blood-pressure at times which may completely rule this out, not completely sure on the rules here).

–          Domination (not really me, but if my partner was really into it it’d only be fair to give it the ol’ college try!)

–          Breast whipping (probably wouldn’t it too extreme, but I think I’d try it to certain degrees under the right circumstances)

–          Caning (same rules as apply to breast whipping)

–          Cells/closets (can be a bit claustrophobic at times, would require TOTAL trust)

–          Chastity belts (have to say that long periods without orgasms don’t really bother me, and I don’t really get more intense orgasms from going without one for a while. May change my opinion with a partner involved though)

–          Competitions with other subs (May be a tad too insecure for this one, but that may change as I get a bit more experience)

–          Enemas for retention (not sure, stomach aches can bring on a drop in blood pressure which can lead to me fainting, I gather that retaining enemas is a similar feeling? May try it though as long as the potential issues were understood by my partner)

–          Eye contact restrictions (don’t really understand this one – why wouldn’t you want to see your partner’s face/reaction? Or other people’s reactions if that were the case? Limiting eye contact would make it less intense for me, not more. Forced eye contact on the other hand could be a little embarrassing in just the right way)

–          Fantasy abandonment (same as cages, just think I’d get bored really)

–          Foot worship (kind of don’t like feet, don’t find them sexy at all. But I know quite a lot of people have foot fetishes so maybe – clean feet a must, no stinky just-been-to-the-gym feet haha).

–          Fantasy rape (would really need to go quite into the details on this one and need to really trust my partner. Realise that in most of these scenarios I would – but even more than usual).

–          Full head hoods (may be a bit too much, but possibly willing to try)

–          Hair pulling (not really into it, got quite a sensitive scalp. But may try)

–          High heel worship (don’t get it, but wouldn’t really bother me if someone asked me to do it)

–          Moderate humiliation (as with anything, lots of discussion prior – don’t want to be humiliated in a way that makes me resentful to my partner and/or myself)

–          Interrogations (not sure I’d be able to play a role being convincingly, could be done a giggly/just for fun way though)

–          Mummification (does this always involve covering the face/head? If not I’m more open to it)

–          Over the knee spanking (more open to spanking in other positions. I don’t know why but it just makes me think of child discipline, and even the slightest reference to child violence gets my blood boiling in rage like nothing else)

–          Orgasm denial (almost a hard limit. Just see myself getting annoyed rather than frustrated in a fun way)

–          Punishment scene (perhaps if done in the right way – definitely would have to be a fake punishment, not something I’d actually done. Still not completely sure though)

–          Pussy whipping (almost a hard limit, but maybe if only done lightly and worked up to)

–          Riding crops (maybe, again personal experience may alter this. If I can’t manage spanking I’m not gonna do much good with a crop)

–          Rope body harness (perhaps with some working up to it. Would have to try other forms of bondage first though – although that’s probably just common sense in any case)

–          Serving other Doms sexually (with my partner present and only to an extent I may try this. I do want to leave some of me that’s only for my partner though!)

–          Skinny dipping (someone might be able to talk me into it!)

–          Speech restrictions (not sure I’d feel comfortable not being able to communicate when I need to. I’d also feel a bit annoyed not being able to talk to others at a play party too)

–          Strait jackets (don’t really appeal to me although I’m open to most other forms of bondage)

–          Swapping with another couple (would still like to feel in some way connected with my own partner)

 

Hard Limits (Really do NOT want to do)

–          Animal roles

–          Bathroom use control

–          Scat

–          Catheterisation

–          Electrical Play

–          Chamber pot use

–          Forced bedwetting

–          Diapers (at this point shall we just assume it’s anything involving bodily waste functions?)

–          Cutting (anything that draws blood really. I have psoriasis which affects the skin but is actually an autoimmune system, so open wounds make it spread like wildfire. I put a lot of time and effort controlling the damn thing so I’d be devastated to get yet another flare-up)

–          Forced exercise (not interested, hard enough doing it when I’m motivated)

–          Face slapping (don’t want to risk visible marks)

–          Flame play

–          Forced eating (don’t like people telling me what to eat, I’m very picky. Also in the more literal sense if I feel full I can’t eat another bite without feeling sick, even if that’s the very last bite on the plate)

–          Forced smoking (eww, smoking)

–          Rubber gags (rubber on teeth? I’m gonna need to go scratch something to get rid of this cringey feeling)

–          Gas masks (a bit scary)

–          Permanently given away to another Dom (wouldn’t consider myself owned on any kind of permanent basis, so pretty much impossible in any case)

–          Golden showers

–          Gun play (hate guns, would just make me angry)

–          Having clothing chosen for me (not against suggestions, but wouldn’t want to wear something I found hideous haha)

–          Heavy humiliation

–          Hypnotism (sounds dangerous)

–          Infantilism

–          Initiation rites (makes me angry on principal, don’t think I’d change my mind in this context either)

–          Injections

–          Lectures for misbehaviour (they’re my partner, not my bloody parents)

–          Knife play

–          Medical scenes

–          Modelling for erotic photos (may change in the future, but as it stands I hate photos even when I’ve covered from head to toe)

–          Mouth bits (just don’t find them very nice to look at to the point where I’d feel absolutely ridiculous)

–          Piercings (I like ear piercings and maybe tongue piercings on some people. Just find them ugly otherwise if I’m honest – no offense to those who do like them)

–          Rimming (no, just, no)

–          Outside scenes (dirt – dirt everywhere)

–          Persona training/modification (if you don’t like me, why the Hell are you doing any of this stuff with me? Comes across as fairly insulting personally)

–          Plastic surgery (might do it of my own volition, but certainly not for anyone else)

–          Prostitution (it’s handy really, in the UK if the dial 911 it still rings the emergency services – apparently too many kids watching American movies had started to forgot that it’s 999 over here)

–          Pony slave

–          Public exposure (oh GOD no)

–          Riding the ‘horse’ (fun as a fantasy, not as a reality)

–          Religious scenes/rituals

–          Permanent marks/scarification (Don’t want temporary marks either, but would forgive it in an accident, I’m not completely unreasonable)

–          Shaving (got sensitive skin so it’s best left to me really)

–          Sleep deprivation (I’m a borderline insomniac as it is)

–          Spitting (makes me want to slap people, my absolute pet hate)

–          Standing in corner (why?)

–          Strapping – full body beating

–          Suspension (may change with time, but it feels a little too risky to me right now – especially with my low blood pressure)

–          Supplying new partners for my Dom (MINE, small chance I may not object if they suggest someone but probably not hugely likely)

–          Swallowing faeces/urine (is that even healthy? The faeces I mean, Bear Grylls has supplied plenty of evidence on behalf of the latter)

–          Tattooing

–          Thumb cuffs (I like to tug and wriggle, so no to this)

–          Recordings/photos (my worst fear would be them ending up on the internet)

–          Waxing – body hair removal (again, sensitive skin)

–          Cross-dressing

–          Lactation

–          Branding

 

So that’s a pretty long list. Can I just note here that this isn’t a personal advertisement – it’s for my own personal reflection, just making sure you know!

I have to say that, with quite a lot of that, I’m fairly surprised with myself. I forced myself to be as honest as possible and I actually think I’m open to a lot more ideas than I originally thought. I came to the conclusion that perhaps some of my negative and/or vulnerable feelings associated with sex or BDSM may be partly derived from previously be unable to be honest about what I might find arousing. In other words, I was ashamed of some of my turn-ons and as such had angry/upset/disgusted reactions to some of them (kind of the same kind of logic behind the belief that some people hold that many of the most aggressively homophobic people are often haunted by their own vicious struggles with their sexuality), even occasionally to the point of tears. So what’s the lesson here? Lighten up and be honest with yourself. I’m not this list has been my saviour and solution to all my problems, but it seems like a huge step made in a relatively short time. What followed as a result however was something much more concrete than a simple list could ever be, and gave much more of a ‘revelation’ or ‘epiphany’ moment.

I thought to myself, I need some sort of test I can carry out to see if these things are really something I’m into. I needed something that fell short of actually carrying them out as that would be difficult and undesirable at this particular stage, so instead, why not see if I can just get off to them instead? (I understand that liking something in fantasy isn’t the same as in reality but it’s the best I could do, and it does have some logic behind it – just bear with me!). A problem I’d always have would be that whenever I fantasised during masturbation (I’m pretty fantasy-heavy) it would always be about other people – no-one in particular, just nameless faces, and usually doing things that wouldn’t be at all desirable for me. So for once I tried to beat the system and see if I could get off whilst imagining myself in some of the situations on my list. And guess what? It worked! For the first time ever I could relate my fantasies as something I’d personally enjoy (Hell, it was actually better than my usual fantasies – added bonus! Feel it might be going too far to explain exactly what said fantasies were, but at the same time, don’t be afraid to ask! I don’t want people to be getting all squirmy ‘cos my writing’s a bit TMI!). This might not seem like a big deal to many people, but it’s actually a huge step for me in terms of thinking of myself as a sexual being, as seeing sex as something I could enjoy rather than being something ‘for other people.’

There’s still a huge gap between imagining and doing, but the gap’s gotten just that little bit smaller. It’s been a positive change in all ways – I’ve admitted some of (what I might consider) some of my more embarrassing or kinky desires, I’ve taken a step towards considering myself a sexual being and I got a great orgasm too. I can’t see a downside there!

What I would like people’s advice and/or opinions on (if anyone cares to offer them) is distinguishing between the little bit of nervousness which adds a rush to things, and genuine I-don’t-like-this nervousness. There are some things I would like to try here, but I’m not sure where the adrenaline-rush type fear would end or whether I’d mistake it for real fear and run for the hills. Is it really just a case of growing a pair and giving it a go? Or is it something more complex than that – a mix of common sense and instinct maybe? See I previously thought verbal humiliation at any degree would be out-and-out unpleasant, but then I imagined a few scenarios where I thought ‘hey, maybe a bit of dirty talk wouldn’t be so bad…’ Perhaps this touches on pushing limits very gently, and my discomfort with it – that perhaps I’m worried that I won’t be able to distinguish the two and end up in a bad situation. I feel I’m not quite explaining it right, but I know there’s a large part of me that worries about this. Maybe the answer’s as simple as me being a coward – but I don’t think it’s that. I’ve adventurous in areas outside sex – so why is it just sex that causes me such a problem? Clearly although I feel a lot of progress has been made today, there’s still an immense path ahead of me.

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About buhocurioso

I'm someone with little experience with sex or BDSM, however I would like to explore these areas and try to overcome any negative feelings I have towards them. I want to be comfortable with my own skin and also understand what different aspects in these areas mean to others.

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