Telling Your Partner That You’re Into BDSM

HOW YOUR PARTNER MAY REACT TO YOUR BDSM DESIRES

Of course the majority of you would never dream of treating your partner this way. So if you do want to participate in BDSM, what are some of the reactions you may encounter? Everyone would react differently, but I’ll try to cover as many possibilities as I can here.

  1. The other person tries out a few things and comes to discover that they enjoy them. You both go and have fantastic freaky sex until you’re both sitting in rocking chairs all old and wrinkled on the porch of an old folks’ home.
  2. The other person tries a few things and likes some, but not others. You reach a healthy compromise that has you both happy.
  3. The other person tries a few things, but simply isn’t into them. However they’re willing to incorporate some of the ideas as despite not liking them, they’re not particularly uncomfortable with them either – it just doesn’t really do anything for them. You reach a compromise where elements from both your sexual preferences are included. There is the possibility that this just isn’t enough for you, in which case serious talks may be needed to assess where you go from there.
  4. The other person tries some things, but simply isn’t into them. Their negative feelings are simply too strong to bring themselves to participate. This could force a very difficult decision – you need to determine how important your sexual needs are and whether the other things you get from the relationship are enough for you to ignore them. (Some people may get up on their soapboxes about this, but the fact is that sex is important in a relationship. I talk a little more about this later).
  5. The other person tries some things but simply isn’t into them. Their negative feelings are simply too strong to bring themselves to participate. However they are willing to let you seek out someone to fulfil your sexual fantasies outside the relationship. This probably isn’t going to be the case very often in monogamous relationships, but it is a possibility.
  6. The other person refuses to try out any of your suggestions because they simply can’t be bothered. They like things the way they are and don’t want to make the effort to come to a compromise with both your preferences. These people probably deserve to be shown the door, a relationship is give and take – one person’s needs don’t come before another’s.
  7. The other person refuses to try out any of your suggestions as they feel seriously uncomfortable with all of them. Again, you’ll need to weight up your sexual needs against the other benefits of your relationship.

There are other aspects which may make some situations even trickier. It’s a possibility that your partner may develop negative feelings towards you due to strong misgivings about this new side of you. I’d like to think that this wouldn’t be too many people’s reaction, but there’s an outside chance that it could happen – especially if they’re from a strongly conservative or religious background. The same could be said for some people from strongly liberal backgrounds, where they feel that the very thought of, for example, a man wanting to hit or humiliate a woman is barbaric under any circumstances. If your kink is just a kink, rather than something you really need to have a satisfying sex life, then it may be prudent to really consider what reaction your partner may have and if you think it’s likely to be very negative, consider whether it’s worth it to bring it up at all. It’s an unpleasant thought that you may need to hide your desires from your partner, but if it’s just something you felt like trying and you know they’d react negatively, it’s probably still not worth the risk.

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About buhocurioso

I'm someone with little experience with sex or BDSM, however I would like to explore these areas and try to overcome any negative feelings I have towards them. I want to be comfortable with my own skin and also understand what different aspects in these areas mean to others.

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