Why I Do I Feel Uncomfortable with BDSM? Part 1 – Humiliation

Perhaps this one is such a big thing for me because I experience such extreme discomfort with the slightest bit of embarrassment. I simply can’t imagine enjoying humiliation or giving it – the idea makes me feel faintly nauseous with anxiety. I do know that I’m very sensitive in this area though – I can’t even stand other people’s embarrassment, it makes me cringe. Because of this I may perceive it as much worse than it really is. I don’t feel I have the self-esteem to handle it – any harsh words on the part of my partner would be swiftly accompanied by much harsher ones of my own and while my partner’s wouldn’t truly be meant mine would certainly carry a kernel of truth. I think I’d become very self-destructive.

I would also feel it a betrayal of the trust of my partner to allow them to do something to me which I’m almost certain I would grow to resent them for – it would be very irresponsible and mean-spirited on my part, even if my consenting to it was only due to them expressing a strong desire to do it.

I think that this area is by far one of my largest misgivings – I found that by removing humiliation from various scenarios – even ones including pain, light power-play and limit testing – I found that these experiences much more positive. For example, things like having to ask for what I want could very well be a hard limit (I know, a bit of a strange one, but it’s something I’d definitely struggle with) if my partner was acting in an aggressive way (e.g. insulting me, proposing painful punishments if I fail to comply). To me that situation sounds scary, degrading and potentially very risky for me on an emotional level. However if I take away the aggressive elements the scenes changes quite dramatically – it seems much more like emotional growth than humiliation. In fact the goal would be to overcome my embarrassment towards the situation, to learn that it’s okay to express my desire for something, that it’s not degrading to ask (much in the same way as people may feel insecure if they constantly had to ask their partner for money if they were not financially independent – if that makes any sense).

I sense that this would be a very difficult bridge for me to cross and as such the support from my partner would be absolutely vital. Firstly they would have to understand exactly how difficult it would be for me to jump this hurdle and want to help me for my own benefit as well as my own (which to me, sounds like the ideal Dom/sub relationship). They’d also need to stay physically close to me, encourage me and not rush me. To carefully balance the different aspects of the scene to help ease the process, it could even be a case of literal hand-holding (I find physical contact extremely comforting, I feel that I could endure much more intense scenes if my partner stayed close). I’d need to feel that my partner was putting me through what could be a very uncomfortable process to ultimately help me rather than cause me discomfort (even if the idea of my discomfort turned them on – in which case everyone wins!).

With this approach in mind, what at first appeared to be a scary and traumatic experience becomes quite an intense and a powerful, positive and character-building scene that could only bring me and my partner closer. I’m not adverse to the use of implementing certain types of punishment to gently push me in the right direction and stop me from just avoiding the issue (things like orgasm denial or not being banned from partaking in something I enjoy). However I feel that the use of a painful or very uncomfortable punishment (such as flogging, humiliation, etc.) would be very counter-productive as I would be yielding because I feared the repercussions if I didn’t, rather than doing it as a way to acknowledge and overcome the negative feelings I have towards the action.

In short my focus is taken off the humiliation aspect and moved on to the concept of self-discovery and improvement. As someone who’s always working to better themselves this is something I could really get behind. I can only imagine how difficult it would be for a Dom to manage such a difficult balancing act and get me through to the other side feeling empowered rather than defeated. Nothing else that I’ve explored has quite garnered my respect for the complex roles of Doms than this. It’s a difficult job, and it carries large risks – I can only imagine the strength of my bond to someone who invested that kind of time and effort in helping me to overcome such a hurdle and showing such a high level of understanding of myself, perhaps even to a greater degree than I know myself. I do wonder if all this is a bit much to act – it is only one scenario. But quite frankly I think I sound high-maintenance. I would do my damned hardest to return the same level of effort – obviously what that would require would vary from person to person, but would people really want to put this kind of effort in just to help me with my little problems? I’m not sure.

It’s humbling to imagine the situation that Doms find themselves in. I can’t imagine the difficulty involved in handling such delicate situations and the bravery of putting themselves in a position which could inspire a lot of difficult emotions in a partner who’s well-being is in their hands in a much more concrete way than is found in many relationships.  I know I would find it difficult, partly due to a belief than my sub would grow to resent me, partly because I’m simply not assertive enough. Although I don’t feel a need to be owned or have aspects of my life controlled by another, I do feel that I am submissive in this sense. I certainly can’t ever picture myself as a Dom, it just doesn’t fit my character. I feel I better understand the sub/Dom relationship in the context of this imagined situation as more of a give-and-take rather than a traumatic for one or the other person. It’s showing that while BDSM is just a kink for some, it can also be a constructive and powerful life experience – using negative feelings to create something positive rather than using them purely for the sake of causing pain or humiliation. They may cause either of those things and although both parties may enjoy them – they are not the driving cause, it’s about something more than that. Or maybe I’m building it up into something more than it really is, I don’t know.

Aftercare would be another hugely important aspect for me – whether I had been able to overcome my fear in that particular instance or not. I’d probably be feeling a big mix of emotions – anger, relief, vulnerability, some feelings of self-disgust or low self-worth and all sorts of other things that could leave me a bit of an emotional. It’s strange because I don’t identify myself as particularly emotional, people have pointed out that I seem to show little reaction to things that provoke a large response in others. I’m not sure if I just have a great poker face and the response is internal of if I maybe distance myself or avoid emotional experiences. I do shy away for strong emotion or public displays of affection – I’m not sure why, because nothing makes me feel better than being surrounded by happy, lovey-dovey people. I like the subtle things, when I see a couple who know each other so well they can have a silent conversation, one of those where the facial expressions are enough, when they know all the little things that make their partner happy – like a particular sweet or watching a show they don’t really like but their partner adores. God I’m soppy when I want to be.

The fact that a Dom would have to deal with the emotional mess that I am would further earn my respect. The way they handle those situations could create an overwhelmingly loving bond that would be difficult to break. It certainly puts the sub/Dom relationship as far away from an abusive one as it could possibly be, and perhaps one of the most rewarding ones there could be.

So to summarise on this particular point, I doubt that I’ll ever enjoy dirty talk (it makes me feel daft saying it and vulnerable when it’s directed at me) or other forms of humiliation, but if approached in the right way it could be used to create powerfully intense and positive scenes that leave me stronger in myself and us stronger as a couple. It puts humiliation in a positive light that I wasn’t sure I ever would. Although in retrospect, I may just be missing the whole point.

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About buhocurioso

I'm someone with little experience with sex or BDSM, however I would like to explore these areas and try to overcome any negative feelings I have towards them. I want to be comfortable with my own skin and also understand what different aspects in these areas mean to others.

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