Why I Do I Feel Uncomfortable with BDSM? Part 3 – Power Play

This is another thing I feel uneasy about, but only when I imagine myself in the context of it. It doesn’t bother that some people like feeling owned or like owning others – but when I apply it to myself if makes me angry. A large part of what makes me uneasy is that it seems that everyone online either strongly identifies themselves as either a sub or a Dom – but I don’t feel that way. I don’t want to be owned or controlled, not do I feel the need to own or control others – it actually makes me very anxious. I would probably identify more as a sub in the sense that I’d prefer my partner to sort of direct what was going on. I’d hate having to order someone about and I’d feel the need to fight back if I was being order around myself.

This extends to all aspects of my life – I always ask for something, I don’t tell someone to do something, order or command it. It just feels like basic manners to me to the point that I feel awkward without it (I’m one of those people that managed to squeeze and please and thank you into every other sentence – much be the Englishness coming out in me haha). I wouldn’t mind if me and my partner came to an agreement where they would tell me to do whatever they wanted and I’d do it as long as they were saying it in a non-aggressive way. Again, it’s not what’s being done but the way it’s being done. Is this BDSM at all though? Where is the line drawn – if there’s not much power-play involved can it even be identified as BDSM? Do the sub/Dom roles have to be in the extremes or do some people prefer maybe lighter or softer roles? The definition of the acronym suggests that maybe it isn’t (D being dominance/discipline and S being submission/sadism). I’d like people’s opinions on that.

I do think that this particular grievance can be easily linked to my past experiences. I just have memories of Dad checking Mum’s receipts to see how much she’s been spending, being told not to tell Dad that we’d gone out because Mum would get in trouble otherwise, being told that he’d once stood her on a pair of scales and told her that if she lost weight he’d marry her – not to mention the fact that he’s always constantly looking over my shoulder, checking what I’m doing. I suppose that why I just can’t imagine liking my life being controlled – why would I enter a relationship like that when I’ve only just moved out and achieved my freedom? I would need to feel assured that everything between me and my partner was completely without coercion (obviously BDSM isn’t actually coerced, but many people do seem to enjoy acting as though it were – something that would make me quite nervous).

Can people be involved in BDSM elements minus a strong sense of power-play? For example, would it be considered BDSM if someone enjoyed being tied-up because it felt good, but didn’t make them feel in any way vulnerable or without control? It’s so varied but I wonder where the lines are drawn.

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About buhocurioso

I'm someone with little experience with sex or BDSM, however I would like to explore these areas and try to overcome any negative feelings I have towards them. I want to be comfortable with my own skin and also understand what different aspects in these areas mean to others.

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