Begging, Punishment and Tears
Had a massive step back today. I’ve had a lot of trouble dealing with all the anger and resentment I’ve been feeling, I’ve tried to cool down before writing anything so I hope I can get it off my chest without upsetting anyone. It’s also a bit long, I decided to write my complete train of thought without editing or censoring – so apologies for the length.
The first I’m gonna try get through is the concept of begging. I understand that some people like it, some think it’s harmless, some enjoy being humiliated by it – me, I despise it in every instance. It just revolts me, in my eyes it’s just humanity in its lowest form. I’m not sure who I hate more when I see it, the one doing the begging or the one demanding it. Perhaps to say in every instance is too harsh – sometimes it just comes naturally in the heat of the moment, sometimes people are perfectly comfortable with it in the same way as dirty talk or role-playing, so it’s just harmless fun. But to see someone dragging themselves through the dirt and grovelling at someone’s feet? I just find it despicable. I don’t know why I feel so angry, I’m absolutely sick of feeling angry and not knowing why. I’m sick of being angry at people I don’t even know, and who logic tells me don’t deserve it by any means, but my gut tells me are detestable.
But why? Why so much anger? Anger rarely comes to me, to the point where I can pretty much remember every instance of true anger I’ve ever felt, re-live it as though I was at that moment again and feel that rage burning as strongly as it did then. Usually I can douse the flames with reason and understanding, but at this point I just feel sick of understanding. It feels like I’m the one always trying to understand, always trying to excuse things that I often hate. I feel like I’m the only one who can’t feel angry without feeling guilty – is it too much to ask to just be able to hate something? To just hate it and leave it at that? To not argue the other side or see the other person’s perspective? Sometimes it feels like I just don’t get any understanding back. My brain kicks in here and promptly tells me that this is not the case, but I feel conflicted – to say the heart is simply an organ that pumps blood around your body it can make a very strong case against the brain, even with all its logic and reasoning.
I don’t really want to hate something, but at the same time I do. I crave to just be able to feel my own emotions and no-one else’s. But that isn’t me – I despise the intolerant, the hypocrite and so sometimes despise myself. Luckily I can usually dig myself out of this rut and of course everyone has those moments of self-doubt. I know I’m someone who has a lot to give, but sometimes I feel that no-one wants it. Everyone feels like this from time to time but, with a note of selfishness, what use is that to me? It’s like trying to comfort the mother who’s lost a child with tales of mothers who’ve lost more – sometimes perspective can be gained but should that come at the price of being forbidden of feeling your own losses? A part of me just wants to be selfish from time to time but a much larger part is simply more concerned with others – so I forget my own problems and guide everyone else through their own. Surely a positive quality? It often feels a flaw.
How can something as simple as begging produce such a reaction? Perhaps it’s the feeling of injustice, the feeling that something that comes so hard to me is a trifle for others. That something that would make me hate myself liberates others. So perhaps it’s jealousy? I just read of people describing the humiliation they felt as they were forced to say the most horrible things of themselves and the sceptic inside me tells me that they’re self-hating idiots. This isn’t the case, but why does it feel so? I’m a creature of logic and I don’t like it when my thoughts and my feelings clash like this. I can almost appreciate the idea behind wanting someone to beg, just to know how desperately they want something – but then I can almost imagine the conniving smirk on the face of a man who rips his pleasure from the degradation of others. I just don’t know how either party can stand it – how someone can look at someone so beaten and feel anything other than their heart breaking, or how someone can look back up at them feeling anything other than betrayal and self-loathing. Incomprehension? Am I simply unable to understand it? I feel like I’m beating against a brick wall in my own mind, understanding just refuses to come.
It just seems wrong to me that someone should be encouraged to participate in such a harmful practise. Yes they derive some sort of good feeling from it – whether it be pride or arousal or whatever else – I just feel pleasure should be derived because of a sensation, not despite it. Otherwise should we not just turn a blind eye to alcoholism or drug abuse? Do people who take hard drugs not get a rush from them? There are harmful side-effects but are they any less damaging than the ones experienced through humiliation? Where does the distinction lie? It feels like everyone’s onto some big secret, that I’m scrabbling around for answers that the rest of the world already has. I don’t remember feeling so conflicted.
Punishment raises this same anger, for different yet similar reasons. When a sub accepts punishment, when he/she throws off responsibility and submits their lives to the will of their Dom, is it not simply a lack of responsibility? I feel it’s a weakness, that these people should just grow up and make their own decisions, stop laying the responsibility on someone else – regardless of whether they want to take it. Improvement of the self should come from the self, from self-discipline, from an internal want of change – not the whims of another. YOU should make the change and YOU should do the work. Support is always needed but that’s not the same as simply handing over the reins. I just feel like I’m completely missing the point of the Dominant/submissive relationship – what is it that I’m not getting? Why does it feel so damaging when so many people find it to be such a release?
Is it simply that what I desire is different? The more I learn about the mindsets behind submissiveness the less I feel I identify with them, even though just a couple of days ago I felt for sure I was heading in the right direction. I don’t want to be controlled, I feel that what I need is more of a guidance, a gentle hand to help me through all these things I struggle with. I don’t want to feel constantly nervous and frightened, I want to feel safe – sometimes it seems I never get to. I want to explore things but not because I want to ‘live life on the edge’ but because I want to discover all the wonderful things the world has to offer – bondage and sex toys don’t offer me any thrill from the slight sense of taboo – it seems a slightly childish attitude, rebelling for the sake of it. I don’t even really find them taboo, they’re just new sensations with wonderful potential for pleasure and even more so steps towards reaching that place everyone aspires to, where you finally feel so secure and happy in yourself that you can trust and love the one who’s guided you there. Can’t you have bondage, dirty talk, spanking and all those things without having the sleaze? If that’s what people want than that’s what they should strive for, but what about me? I feel like I’m the only one who feels this way. Next to impossible I’m sure but I just can’t find what I’m feeling reflected anywhere. The Gentle Dom’s blog is the closest I’ve gotten to really being able to envision that ideal scenario – the ideal’s rarely obtainable but that doesn’t mean we can’t work towards it.
I’ve just got so many different emotions all swimming round at once and I don’t know how to deal with any of them. It just feels that everything to do with relationships – vanilla or BDSM is just too complicated for me, while everyone else just seems to move gracefully through them with little to no trouble. Not to say that I’ve surrounded by perfect relationships, I look around and I see hardly one that hasn’t just ended with disappointment. But people carry on anyway, life goes on and they seek relationships again – how do they do it? I’m awed by it; it makes me feel a coward.
In a world where everyone’s living fast and pushing the limits it seems that there’s little room for cuddling up, feeling warm and safe – all the space is taken up by a constant battle for more, more challenges, more sensation. It just feels so overwhelming, but I feel it oughtn’t to be. I wish I had someone to talk to about these things. I have people I feel I could talk to about anything but this, that it’d be all awkward silences and hurriedly changing the topic. My journals have always been enough for me, but now I feel I need a real person to help ground me, to stop me from over-analysing and getting all het up and dramatic over nothing. It doesn’t feel like nothing though and it appears like a huge mountain I could never hope to cross. Perhaps everyone feels that in their darker moments in life they’ll never be able to overcome, but it just feels like I’m trying to kid myself by strapping on my climbing gear and moving off towards the precipice.
I’m just so confused by it all. I thought I’d started to understand but now I feel worse off than when I started. Maybe I’ll wake in the morning and I’ll look back and think of how ridiculous I’ve been, I already feel a little better just for writing. This could just be a difficult step at a time in my life where most people feel confused and turbulent, I just feel like there’s no-one there to help me steady myself and continue on.
I think I’ve exhausted myself now. I feel a bit down and more than a little silly for all the drama. This hasn’t been one of my better days.