Of course it’s rare than anyone ever finds the ‘ideal’ partner – after all, no-one is perfect. But that doesn’t mean we can’t think about the traits we do seek in a person and actively pursue someone with those traits, it’s unlikely that you’ll ever find someone who has all these traits but hopefully you’ll find someone who has a good few of them.
Some of the things listed here are needs, some are wants, some are perks – the icing on a cake. It’s not a list of what a partner ‘must’ be for me, but rather me thinking about what it is I really want or value in a partner – more self-reflection than anything else. (Also a partially stolen idea from little_n from FetLife :P)
What I Would Like In A Partner
Someone who likes cuddles.
Someone who won’t shout.
Someone who won’t try to scare me.
Someone who will help me with new things.
Someone who will reassure me when I’m nervous or not sure.
Someone who doesn’t want to inflict pain for the sake of it.
Someone who is an equal to me in all aspects of the relationship (equal does not mean ‘the same’).
Someone I can laugh with.
Someone who won’t try to humiliate me or make me feel small.
Someone who suggests, advises, tells me what they want, but doesn’t order.
Someone who doesn’t try to make me ‘prove’ myself.
Someone who shares interests with me.
Someone who is sexually compatible with me.
Someone with a warm smile.
Someone who realises that if my limits are to be pushed, the desire to push them must come from me.
Someone I can share new experiences with.
Someone who doesn’t try to mess with my head.
Someone who doesn’t launch big surprises on me.
Someone who makes me feel safe.
Someone who tells me what they want, what they need.
Someone I can have long, intelligent discussions with.
Someone I can just be around, without the constant need for talking or interaction, just enjoying each other’s presence and company.
Someone who will tell me if I’m overreacting or making a fool of myself.
Someone who’ll talk out problems with me and not go to bed angry.
Someone I can comfort when they’ve had a bad day.
Someone who isn’t afraid to tell me how they feel, or to let me help them if they need a little support and guidance.
Someone who won’t laugh or get annoyed because I sometimes find seemingly little or normal things scary or upsetting.
Someone I can look after and someone who can look after me, without becoming dependant on each other.
Someone who understands that sometimes I just need to be alone.
Someone who doesn’t mind if I want to have a scruffy and/or lazy day.
Someone I can do little things for, just to make their day easier.
Someone whose friends I can share, and I can share my friends with.
Someone who will be honest with me, even if it means I may get a little upset, and someone I can always be honest with.
Someone I can teach things and someone who can teach me things.
Someone who won’t try to control me.
Someone who isn’t afraid to be perfect in their imperfection.
Someone with their own goals and dreams in life.
I want someone who doesn’t want to change me.
I want someone who feels they can always be themselves around me.
I want someone who isn’t afraid to disagree with me.
I want someone who will fight their own corner when they need to.
Someone who I can give back just as much to when they give to me.
Someone who can make their own decisions, but isn’t afraid to take advice.
Someone who can put themselves first when they need to.
Someone who knows I will always be behind them.
I think most of these line up pretty well with my kinks and general wants in a relationship. Like I said no-one’s ever gonna be perfect, but if they were, they’d be like this (for me, anyway). And again it’s not me saying that even if someone has a quality the complete opposite of what I’d ‘ideally’ want, that I wouldn’t go out with them, in the end I think a lot of it goes down to chemistry – you make surprise yourself with who you fall for. Or the ‘perfect’ person might just not do anything for you if you happen to find them, that kind of stuff is just too near-impossible to predict.
(I’ve also just had a moment of realisation that any FetLife links that I’ve previously posted can ONLY be accessed if you have a FetLife profile, sorry, totally slipped my mind to mention that somewhere).
Why does everyone associate virginity with religiousness and a sort of holier-than-thou attitude? I realise that many people choose to remain virgins until marriage for religious reasons, and good for them for sticking to their guns. However it seems that people think that every last virgin over the age of (at most) 18 is some sort of religious zealot, either that or they think that they consider their virginity to be some sort of grand gift to give to someone.
But I don’t feel that way. Not to say that I want to just have sex with anyone, I wouldn’t still be a virgin if that were the case. However I’m not holding out for ‘the one’ either – I just want someone I can connect with one some level, I would want a boyfriend/girlfriend girlfriend/girlfriend relationship, but the minute I sleep with someone I’m not gonna become the clingy girl from Hell (something a lot of guys seem to worry about concerning sleeping with a virgin – we’re not all Overly-Attached Girlfriend!).
I don’t feel like my first time is a huge gift that I should bestow upon some worthy suitor either – my trust however is a gift, the sex just happens to accompany that. But I feel that trust is a gift in any context – I feel privileged if my friend trusts me with a secret, or if I’m the one that’s called for help if someone goes wrong. Maybe that’s why I’m starting to identify a bit more with the submissive attitude – because when it comes down to it, isn’t it all about giving your trust?
Just a bit sick of this attitude, it makes it difficult to admit to a guy/girl that I’m still a virgin for the fear that they’ll run to the hills! 19’s not too old though – just might become a problem if I still haven’t had sex by the time I’m in my mid-twenties (not that I’m going to let that fear push me into some emotionless one-night stand – not against them, but they don’t do anything for me. That doesn’t mean it’s marriage or nothing either though! Hell not even sure I want to get married, I’m not particularly religious and I don’t understand the notion of needing a big ceremony to prove you’re in love with someone. Would like to wear a pretty dress though. Also cake).
Also I want to give a bit of a shout-out to a Tumblr blog I found – the Gentle Dom. It really speaks to me, it’s practically a guide to my ideal relationship – the sub/Dom relationship but without a lot of the scariness that might put off newcomers. It’s written with inexperience subs in mind, so if you’re like me you might like to give it a look – I actually read the entire 50+ pages in one sitting! (Too much time on my hands).