FetLife
After hearing a lot about a website called FetLife on various other sites, I decided what the hell; I’ll give it a go! I was worried at first that it was a sort of hook-up website, and although you can look for play partners on it it’s not really the main focus at all. It has TONS of useful information, groups for everything from kinks to Disney and so far everyone’s been really friendly! There have been one or two occasions of people completely ignoring the ‘only looking for friends’ option on my profile page and tried asking me to meet them – this in the space of a few messages. Not happening. I have heard from other newbies, especially subs, that people do tend to pounce a bit on ‘new meat.’ A polite decline is enough though, and you can block people if you really need to.
It’s a really friendly atmosphere; I’ve been able to jump right into threads without a problem and even started one of my own. The sheer amount of groups there really gets it across how many different paths there in BDSM, ranging from the light to extreme. I personally like the sensual BDSM groups. The newbies/novices group is absolutely indispensible – it really covered everything. It even had a whole list of threads for people not only new to BDSM, but sex in general (so very useful to me! Made me feel like I wasn’t the only virgin around too).
I’ve already made a couple of friends and I’ve been looking into local munches near me (when I’m at uni rather than at home). I’m not too sure about going yet and I’d want to find a friend to go with, but at least I’ll know where and when they are if I do take the leap.
So I’m delighted I made the decision to sign-up. I’m feeling very positive today, a nice change from the mixed feelings I’ve had over the past few days.
I’d recommend this site to everyone, especially beginners. You can choose to identify yourself as sub/bottom/Dom/Top etc. or even unsure if you haven’t made your mind up yet. You can even make a list of fetishes that people can peruse, very useful if you are looking for play partners. Why not give it a go?
Links that helped me with this topic:
www.fetlife.com – Go on, join in! You can remain completely anonymous if you so wish.
https://fetlife.com/groups/347 – Extremely helpful group for beginners.
https://fetlife.com/groups/37 – My favourite group so far.
Slowing Down, Making Progress and ‘Wannabedoms’
Feeling much better than yesterday and a little silly over how dramatic I was. Looking back on my last post did help me sift through a lot of strong emotions though, so I don’t regret anything I wrote. I do feel as though I’m pushing myself a little hard though, perhaps going a little too fast. I’ve fast come to the conclusion that although I can perhaps relate a Dom/sub relationship, a Master/slave one would never be for me. Although the D/s aspect may leak a little bit out of the bedroom I think it would largely sexual – not that that makes it lesser, after all sex is something I struggle with, the trust I’d need for someone in that department would be much higher than what I’d need in other areas because I’m so unsure of myself. That being said I think it would be better to focus on looking at lighter aspects of BDSM before trying to wrap my head around the complexities of something as extreme as a 24/7 Master/slave relationship – otherwise I’m just going to scare myself off and never resolve me negative feelings towards such practises and their practitioners. So slow and steady is the answer.
I have made another little step in the right direction though. Today when I masturbated I managed to more-or-less comfortably finger myself just using a single finger. It may not seem like much but any previous attempts have only resulted in at best mild discomfort and at worst quite a bit of pain. So I feel a bit of progress has been made there – although I can’t say it really felt all that good, not painful or uncomfortable, but not good either, maybe that’s a bit too much to expect at this stage (I have been considering visiting a gynaecologist to check that everything’s as it should be, but I’d have to no idea how to approach the situation and I’d hate the whole experience. I’ve heard loads of horror stories from women who’ve gone for check-ups and been repeatedly told there’s nothing wrong by careless doctors, only to find that they’re suffering vaginismus or something along those lines years later – anyone have any advice on this?). Looking back on the pain I’ve always associated with that area as opposed to clitoral or anal stimulation it’s clear that it’s made me actively avoid the idea of vaginal penetration – for years I’d always avoided porn videos showing it, always looking for alternatives. I couldn’t even watch it. Is this level of pain normal for virgins? From what I’ve heard that doesn’t appear to be the case.
Today I decided as a task for myself I’d try to approach a problem that many newcomers to BDSM struggle with – the idea that everyone involved in BDSM engages in every kink, that they all want nothing but the most extreme and that a ‘French Vanilla with a few sprinkles’ just didn’t fit into the scene. I’ve found several very encouraging sites that I’ll post links to that helped dispel this illusion of an ‘all-or-nothing’ universal approach. I also found that several people familiar to the scene were also getting tired of the way a select few people who engaged in more extreme BDSM were scaring off beginners of misleading them into thinking that it’s all about pushing the boundaries. Take a look at this table:
Any of these sound familiar? Even with what I consider to be my fairly limited research I’ve come across all of these at least once – and I haven’t even been to a workshop! All of these are worrying to a certain degree (especially to those who are only using BDSM as a way to spice up stale sex lives rather than engage in it as a lifestyle), but some are far more concerning that others. For example – ‘playing privately doesn’t count?’ What the hell? It amazes me that people can strut around and tell people that if they’re not doing it in front of a load of strangers, it’s not BDSM at all. Fair enough if you’re into exhibitionism but what the hell kind of message is that to put across? Luckily I think the majority of people would see straight through that but the more complicated things such as Doms insinuating that they can tell right off the bat exactly what a sub wants or needs the moment they lay eyes on them could get a newbie sub into a really dangerous and damaging position. This seems to be a problem that quite widely acknowledged. I’ve found quite a few articles on the subject of ‘wannabedoms’ or ‘fake Doms’ who use the concept of dominance as a pretence for abuse or getting people who don’t know any better into a full-on relationship as quick as possible, often taking on more control than has been agreed on.
These are often people who have little control over their own lives and so are certainly in no position to take on the responsibility of others’ safety and well-being. They’re often extremely insecure and use BDSM Dom/sub relationships as a way to feel validated and strong. They don’t view the sub as an equal, rather as someone weak they can control – not through desire or agreed limits but through fear and guilt. They often step over the set boundaries and tell the sub that they’re being a bad sub for not doing as they’re told, although it was a hard limit. They instil feelings of guilt, shame and fear to keep that person where they want them – it’s abuse, not BDSM in any sense. They impose strict limits on subs that allow them little breathing room for communication –either with them or other Doms/subs they could seek out for help – because they’re scared they’ll be given the very good advice to get gone. Instead of building the sub up they try to break them down and the effect can be devastating – in a few cases subs have completely dropped the lifestyle for fear of getting used like this again. When they do finally leave the wannabedom quickly moves onto finding their next victim and despite the many safety nets put in place by the various BDSM communities, it seems that many of these men/women go on unhindered.
What’s really important here is really getting to know a Dom before meeting them. Don’t just discuss BDSM but observe how they perform in other areas in life – do they seem stable? Do they handle the stresses of life calmly and with control? Or are they easily angered, with constant mood swings? If they can’t keep their own affairs in order how can you trust them to look after you and concern themselves with your safety? If they’re trying to push your limits further than you’re willing to go, speak up. If they ignore safe words or hard limits then get gone. Even after meeting them the first time don’t just let them tie you up straight-away. Have a few no-strings attached meetings, use safety calls for your first few scenes and don’t incorporate bondage into those scenes those first few times. It’s sad that people should have to be advised on how to avoid abusers when the emphasis should be so much more on teaching people not to abuse, but there’s not much that can be done. Just try to stay safe and if you do come across a wannabedom, out them so that others won’t be so easily drawn in.
Sites that helped me with this post:
http://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2011/05/19/bdsm-workshop-bingo/ – The BDSM workshop bingo.
http://www.smittenkittenonline.com/blog/12/sexandculture/vanilla-girl-in-a-non-vanilla-world-by-coochie – A Vanilla girl in a non-Vanilla world, one woman describes where she fits on the Vanilla/BDSM spectrum and shows that you can be anywhere on that scale and that the scale itself is largely open to interpretation.
http://gentledom.tumblr.com/post/27189513222/wannabedoms – An informative post on the subject of ‘wannabedoms.’
Begging, Punishment and Tears
Had a massive step back today. I’ve had a lot of trouble dealing with all the anger and resentment I’ve been feeling, I’ve tried to cool down before writing anything so I hope I can get it off my chest without upsetting anyone. It’s also a bit long, I decided to write my complete train of thought without editing or censoring – so apologies for the length.
The first I’m gonna try get through is the concept of begging. I understand that some people like it, some think it’s harmless, some enjoy being humiliated by it – me, I despise it in every instance. It just revolts me, in my eyes it’s just humanity in its lowest form. I’m not sure who I hate more when I see it, the one doing the begging or the one demanding it. Perhaps to say in every instance is too harsh – sometimes it just comes naturally in the heat of the moment, sometimes people are perfectly comfortable with it in the same way as dirty talk or role-playing, so it’s just harmless fun. But to see someone dragging themselves through the dirt and grovelling at someone’s feet? I just find it despicable. I don’t know why I feel so angry, I’m absolutely sick of feeling angry and not knowing why. I’m sick of being angry at people I don’t even know, and who logic tells me don’t deserve it by any means, but my gut tells me are detestable.
But why? Why so much anger? Anger rarely comes to me, to the point where I can pretty much remember every instance of true anger I’ve ever felt, re-live it as though I was at that moment again and feel that rage burning as strongly as it did then. Usually I can douse the flames with reason and understanding, but at this point I just feel sick of understanding. It feels like I’m the one always trying to understand, always trying to excuse things that I often hate. I feel like I’m the only one who can’t feel angry without feeling guilty – is it too much to ask to just be able to hate something? To just hate it and leave it at that? To not argue the other side or see the other person’s perspective? Sometimes it feels like I just don’t get any understanding back. My brain kicks in here and promptly tells me that this is not the case, but I feel conflicted – to say the heart is simply an organ that pumps blood around your body it can make a very strong case against the brain, even with all its logic and reasoning.
I don’t really want to hate something, but at the same time I do. I crave to just be able to feel my own emotions and no-one else’s. But that isn’t me – I despise the intolerant, the hypocrite and so sometimes despise myself. Luckily I can usually dig myself out of this rut and of course everyone has those moments of self-doubt. I know I’m someone who has a lot to give, but sometimes I feel that no-one wants it. Everyone feels like this from time to time but, with a note of selfishness, what use is that to me? It’s like trying to comfort the mother who’s lost a child with tales of mothers who’ve lost more – sometimes perspective can be gained but should that come at the price of being forbidden of feeling your own losses? A part of me just wants to be selfish from time to time but a much larger part is simply more concerned with others – so I forget my own problems and guide everyone else through their own. Surely a positive quality? It often feels a flaw.
How can something as simple as begging produce such a reaction? Perhaps it’s the feeling of injustice, the feeling that something that comes so hard to me is a trifle for others. That something that would make me hate myself liberates others. So perhaps it’s jealousy? I just read of people describing the humiliation they felt as they were forced to say the most horrible things of themselves and the sceptic inside me tells me that they’re self-hating idiots. This isn’t the case, but why does it feel so? I’m a creature of logic and I don’t like it when my thoughts and my feelings clash like this. I can almost appreciate the idea behind wanting someone to beg, just to know how desperately they want something – but then I can almost imagine the conniving smirk on the face of a man who rips his pleasure from the degradation of others. I just don’t know how either party can stand it – how someone can look at someone so beaten and feel anything other than their heart breaking, or how someone can look back up at them feeling anything other than betrayal and self-loathing. Incomprehension? Am I simply unable to understand it? I feel like I’m beating against a brick wall in my own mind, understanding just refuses to come.
It just seems wrong to me that someone should be encouraged to participate in such a harmful practise. Yes they derive some sort of good feeling from it – whether it be pride or arousal or whatever else – I just feel pleasure should be derived because of a sensation, not despite it. Otherwise should we not just turn a blind eye to alcoholism or drug abuse? Do people who take hard drugs not get a rush from them? There are harmful side-effects but are they any less damaging than the ones experienced through humiliation? Where does the distinction lie? It feels like everyone’s onto some big secret, that I’m scrabbling around for answers that the rest of the world already has. I don’t remember feeling so conflicted.
Punishment raises this same anger, for different yet similar reasons. When a sub accepts punishment, when he/she throws off responsibility and submits their lives to the will of their Dom, is it not simply a lack of responsibility? I feel it’s a weakness, that these people should just grow up and make their own decisions, stop laying the responsibility on someone else – regardless of whether they want to take it. Improvement of the self should come from the self, from self-discipline, from an internal want of change – not the whims of another. YOU should make the change and YOU should do the work. Support is always needed but that’s not the same as simply handing over the reins. I just feel like I’m completely missing the point of the Dominant/submissive relationship – what is it that I’m not getting? Why does it feel so damaging when so many people find it to be such a release?
Is it simply that what I desire is different? The more I learn about the mindsets behind submissiveness the less I feel I identify with them, even though just a couple of days ago I felt for sure I was heading in the right direction. I don’t want to be controlled, I feel that what I need is more of a guidance, a gentle hand to help me through all these things I struggle with. I don’t want to feel constantly nervous and frightened, I want to feel safe – sometimes it seems I never get to. I want to explore things but not because I want to ‘live life on the edge’ but because I want to discover all the wonderful things the world has to offer – bondage and sex toys don’t offer me any thrill from the slight sense of taboo – it seems a slightly childish attitude, rebelling for the sake of it. I don’t even really find them taboo, they’re just new sensations with wonderful potential for pleasure and even more so steps towards reaching that place everyone aspires to, where you finally feel so secure and happy in yourself that you can trust and love the one who’s guided you there. Can’t you have bondage, dirty talk, spanking and all those things without having the sleaze? If that’s what people want than that’s what they should strive for, but what about me? I feel like I’m the only one who feels this way. Next to impossible I’m sure but I just can’t find what I’m feeling reflected anywhere. The Gentle Dom’s blog is the closest I’ve gotten to really being able to envision that ideal scenario – the ideal’s rarely obtainable but that doesn’t mean we can’t work towards it.
I’ve just got so many different emotions all swimming round at once and I don’t know how to deal with any of them. It just feels that everything to do with relationships – vanilla or BDSM is just too complicated for me, while everyone else just seems to move gracefully through them with little to no trouble. Not to say that I’ve surrounded by perfect relationships, I look around and I see hardly one that hasn’t just ended with disappointment. But people carry on anyway, life goes on and they seek relationships again – how do they do it? I’m awed by it; it makes me feel a coward.
In a world where everyone’s living fast and pushing the limits it seems that there’s little room for cuddling up, feeling warm and safe – all the space is taken up by a constant battle for more, more challenges, more sensation. It just feels so overwhelming, but I feel it oughtn’t to be. I wish I had someone to talk to about these things. I have people I feel I could talk to about anything but this, that it’d be all awkward silences and hurriedly changing the topic. My journals have always been enough for me, but now I feel I need a real person to help ground me, to stop me from over-analysing and getting all het up and dramatic over nothing. It doesn’t feel like nothing though and it appears like a huge mountain I could never hope to cross. Perhaps everyone feels that in their darker moments in life they’ll never be able to overcome, but it just feels like I’m trying to kid myself by strapping on my climbing gear and moving off towards the precipice.
I’m just so confused by it all. I thought I’d started to understand but now I feel worse off than when I started. Maybe I’ll wake in the morning and I’ll look back and think of how ridiculous I’ve been, I already feel a little better just for writing. This could just be a difficult step at a time in my life where most people feel confused and turbulent, I just feel like there’s no-one there to help me steady myself and continue on.
I think I’ve exhausted myself now. I feel a bit down and more than a little silly for all the drama. This hasn’t been one of my better days.
Being A Virgin
Why does everyone associate virginity with religiousness and a sort of holier-than-thou attitude? I realise that many people choose to remain virgins until marriage for religious reasons, and good for them for sticking to their guns. However it seems that people think that every last virgin over the age of (at most) 18 is some sort of religious zealot, either that or they think that they consider their virginity to be some sort of grand gift to give to someone.
But I don’t feel that way. Not to say that I want to just have sex with anyone, I wouldn’t still be a virgin if that were the case. However I’m not holding out for ‘the one’ either – I just want someone I can connect with one some level, I would want a boyfriend/girlfriend girlfriend/girlfriend relationship, but the minute I sleep with someone I’m not gonna become the clingy girl from Hell (something a lot of guys seem to worry about concerning sleeping with a virgin – we’re not all Overly-Attached Girlfriend!).
Lol.
I don’t feel like my first time is a huge gift that I should bestow upon some worthy suitor either – my trust however is a gift, the sex just happens to accompany that. But I feel that trust is a gift in any context – I feel privileged if my friend trusts me with a secret, or if I’m the one that’s called for help if someone goes wrong. Maybe that’s why I’m starting to identify a bit more with the submissive attitude – because when it comes down to it, isn’t it all about giving your trust?
Just a bit sick of this attitude, it makes it difficult to admit to a guy/girl that I’m still a virgin for the fear that they’ll run to the hills! 19’s not too old though – just might become a problem if I still haven’t had sex by the time I’m in my mid-twenties (not that I’m going to let that fear push me into some emotionless one-night stand – not against them, but they don’t do anything for me. That doesn’t mean it’s marriage or nothing either though! Hell not even sure I want to get married, I’m not particularly religious and I don’t understand the notion of needing a big ceremony to prove you’re in love with someone. Would like to wear a pretty dress though. Also cake).
Also I want to give a bit of a shout-out to a Tumblr blog I found – the Gentle Dom. It really speaks to me, it’s practically a guide to my ideal relationship – the sub/Dom relationship but without a lot of the scariness that might put off newcomers. It’s written with inexperience subs in mind, so if you’re like me you might like to give it a look – I actually read the entire 50+ pages in one sitting! (Too much time on my hands).
Here it is – http://gentledom.tumblr.com/ – give it a gander! This page is particularly useful – http://gentledom.tumblr.com/links.
Done Cleaning Up
I’ve done cleaning up and breaking up my posts here – again my apologies to people getting a storm of post updates.
Why I Do I Feel Uncomfortable with BDSM? Final Part – Sub-Drop and Conclusion
Sub-drop just sounds downright terrifying to me. If it was something that just happened from time to time after particularly intense scenes it probably wouldn’t worry me, but after reading some people’s stories it seems that some people experience it after every session – surely that can’t be good for someone’s well-being? Or is just part-and-parcel of the experience? I suppose I could compare it to someone who gets bad hangovers all the time but still drink loads (although I find those people much more annoying – it really is just unhealthy). It seems to be to appear self-destructive to do something that makes you feel horrible every time you do it just because it feels good at the time. In my mind it seems comparable to someone how does drugs and feels awful about it whenever they come down from a high. But maybe it’s not as bad as I make it out to be – it may be a much more positive experience than it appears to be, it certainly has the potential to be. Definitely an area to explore further.
Again I feel if I were in this position I would fall into a low mood and get stuck there for a long time. My long-suffering partner probably wouldn’t be able to do much about it either – I’m definitely too much work.
So these are the area I feel I need to look into more and refine my thoughts and opinions on them. While this is largely about addressing my own issues it’d be absolutely fantastic if any of this helps people to come to terms with their own feelings on BDSM. Again feel free to comment on anything here – feel free to disagree with anything and to debate and create a good and healthy conversation. This is my beginning stance on all these issues – it’ll be very interesting to look back here in a year or two and see if much has changed. Feel a bit of a mentalist reading half the stuff written there – hopefully I won’t get committed by anyone haha.
One thing I do find myself wondering is how different I would feel if I had more experience myself – is it that my general nervousness is sexual situations what spurs on most of my negative feelings? It could be that imagining my own discomfort in certain situations is what triggers this negativity rather than really being so uncomfortable with the concepts themselves. Of course it could also be with experience that I surprise myself – I may feel right now that pain would be a turn-off but it could feel completely different if I tried it. Is there anyone here who thought they’d really hate something but actually turned out to really enjoy it when they gave it a go? Or maybe the other way round – something sounded like a lot of fun but it wasn’t so much when you tried it?
I also feel that at times I’m overly-cautious, both with my feelings towards something and how I think something should be approached. Maybe I over-think things and make a bigger deal out of them than needs be. When I feel negative about a certain aspect it often makes me feel much more positive when I imagine taking part in it with a partner who has my absolute trust – maybe it’s trust issues more than anything else? I feel it’s going to take a long time to really discover where all of this stems from and even longer to be able to overcome it – but nothing that was worth doing was ever easy!
Why I Do I Feel Uncomfortable with BDSM? Part 6 – Pushing Limits
I often find it hard reading about people’s personal experiences in this area. When I read them it just across to me as highly unpleasant. However it’s something that you really would have to try before being able to take a stance on it – this in itself in worrying as by the time you realise it’s not for you a lot of damage could already have been inflicted. I assume that a Dom would have enough sense to venture carefully into this area though if a sub had never experienced it and very carefully monitor them to determine if they’re not getting what they need out of it.
I feel a little distressed when I hear people talking about how much they hated a certain experience, but felt empowered afterwards – or vice versa. For some reason it makes me think of people who cut themselves to make themselves feel good. I don’t know why but I just can’t shake that image from my mind, the whole process just seems very self-destructive. Where’s the line between something being unpleasant in a way that is enjoyed and unpleasant in a way that isn’t? I just worry about people who appear to really need to endure unpleasant experiences in order to feel good – I really struggle to disassociate that with some form of self-loathing or mental disorder. These feelings are probably unfounded, I’m not sure why I feel them so strongly – perhaps because I simply can’t identify with them. If I were in that situation my biggest worry would be that I grow resentful of my partner for pushing me, which would be completely unfair.
It all just sounds a little too traumatic for me. I suppose some people just want to see how far they can go in the same way an athlete tries to see how far they can push themselves in their training. A lot of people talk about an endorphin rush in both these situations – I wonder if some people are more likely to experience this than others? That’s one thing to look up on the ol’ Neuroscience course. I have to say I don’t relate to the athletes either – exercise makes me downright grotty, it’s just something I do for the sake of my health. Maybe some people just really get something out of the danger whilst I prefer a more relaxed atmosphere, but who knows – with experience that may change. It could be my misgivings about sex in general that affect me so strongly in this particular area.
Why I Do I Feel Uncomfortable with BDSM? Part 5 – 24/7 Slavery
I just can’t see the appeal here. Why would I want to have to monitor my every move every moment of my life? I like being able to do what I want when I want. I reserve my right to spend all day watching Jeremy Kyle in my jammies which a huge slab of chocolate! I want to be able to make spontaneous decisions to do something and not worry about whether I’ll need to obtain permission to do it. It’d be like going back to childhood where your parents determine everything you do – I just got away from that! (I certainly wouldn’t want someone to control my toilet habits – not with my useless bladder). I suppose I could understand why someone might want it if they don’t like making decisions about their own life themselves – but as for the argument of wanting to serve, isn’t it possible to do everything your partner wants to do, but without ‘having’ to? I’m not sure – it’s not something that makes me angry like the punishment issue, but I think I’d feel uncomfortable if, for instance, I had to talk to a sub through their Dom. Perhaps I’m thinking it more restrictive than it really is? I’d appreciate any insights into the personal experiences of anyone in this position, I think it would help me but the whole thing into a better context.
Part of me just feels that that level of dependence on one person is just unhealthy. Outside of the BDSM context it would be considered an issue which needed to be addressed – do people become dependent to the point where they wouldn’t be able to function on their own? I don’t know, my gut feeling is just against the idea. It must be exhausting too, and take a huge level of effort from both parties. I wonder what the motivations can be to drive someone to such high levels of commitment.
avirginsinsight 