Archive | July 2012

FetLife

After hearing a lot about a website called FetLife on various other sites, I decided what the hell; I’ll give it a go! I was worried at first that it was a sort of hook-up website, and although you can look for play partners on it it’s not really the main focus at all. It has TONS of useful information, groups for everything from kinks to Disney and so far everyone’s been really friendly! There have been one or two occasions of people completely ignoring the ‘only looking for friends’ option on my profile page and tried asking me to meet them – this in the space of a few messages. Not happening. I have heard from other newbies, especially subs, that people do tend to pounce a bit on ‘new meat.’ A polite decline is enough though, and you can block people if you really need to.

It’s a really friendly atmosphere; I’ve been able to jump right into threads without a problem and even started one of my own. The sheer amount of groups there really gets it across how many different paths there in BDSM, ranging from the light to extreme. I personally like the sensual BDSM groups. The newbies/novices group is absolutely indispensible – it really covered everything. It even had a whole list of threads for people not only new to BDSM, but sex in general (so very useful to me! Made me feel like I wasn’t the only virgin around too).

I’ve already made a couple of friends and I’ve been looking into local munches near me (when I’m at uni rather than at home). I’m not too sure about going yet and I’d want to find a friend to go with, but at least I’ll know where and when they are if I do take the leap.

So I’m delighted I made the decision to sign-up. I’m feeling very positive today, a nice change from the mixed feelings I’ve had over the past few days.

I’d recommend this site to everyone, especially beginners. You can choose to identify yourself as sub/bottom/Dom/Top etc. or even unsure if you haven’t made your mind up yet. You can even make a list of fetishes that people can peruse, very useful if you are looking for play partners. Why not give it a go?

 

Links that helped me with this topic:

www.fetlife.com – Go on, join in! You can remain completely anonymous if you so wish.

https://fetlife.com/groups/347 – Extremely helpful group for beginners.

https://fetlife.com/groups/37 – My favourite group so far.

Not Another List! – Getting Back To Basics

Had a bit of a mixed day today – I keep jumping from feeling pretty happy to a little upset, although nothing major. I’ve been looking more into introductory articles for BDSM, ones aimed at couples and people wanting to approach their partners with their newfound interests. There doesn’t seem to be much at all for people who just don’t know where they stand, but I suppose it’s hard to be able to take too huge a stance without actually getting involved in some degree.

One interesting thing I found was another version of the kink list I did before, but covering some other aspects outside just the fetishes themselves, so I decided to give it a go – the rating system is as follows:

5 = This is something I REALLY like. Bring it on, baby!

4 = This is fun! Let’s go for it.

3= I’m not sure, kinda freaky, could be fun, let’s try it out.

2 = I’m not really into this, but if it excites my partner I’m GGG (good, giving, and game).

1 = Eh, I don’t think so.

0 = NO FREAKIN’ WAY.

? = I have NO idea what you are talking about. Seriously, I’m clueless.

* = fantasy only, stays in my head

So let’s give it a go! (If I put an X that a simple yes answer rather than using the rating scale).

Types of persona that turn you on

(X) Male

(X) Female

(5) People with accents –OMG, love accents!

Fetish Extra Credit

(1) Smoking

[4) Alcohol – Not during a scene though!

(3) Soft drugs (e.g. marijuana) – Same as alcohol

(0) Hard drugs

(5) Watching Porn

(2) – Erotic Dancing – Would feel soooooo self-conscious

(0) – Making Porn – Too easy for that stuff to get onto the internet

(1) – Menstruation – Might work around it but definitely not as a fetish

(0) – Vomit

(3) – Group Sex

Favourite body parts: As far as women are concerned I’m an ass girl myself 😀 Like guys’ chests and arms.

Turn offs – Excessive hair on either sex, too many piercings/tattoos (although I do like some). Bad manners too, can’t stand people who can’t even manage a please and thank you.

Clothing or accessories that turn you on

[ ] = on males ( ) = on me/females

[3] (4) – Leather

[0] (0) – Rubber – Set my teeth right on edge

[2] {4) – Latex/ PVC

[4] (5) – Sexy lingerie/underwear

[1] (5) – Corsets

[4] (5) – Satin, silk

[5] (4) – Uniforms – Definitely gotta love a guy in a suit!

[4] (4) – Clothing style – I do like it when people have their own specific style

[5] (4) – Denim jeans – Realllly don’t like trackies, I like my men in jeans in terms of casual wear J

[1] (4) –  Legwear (e.g fishnets, pantyhose)

[1] (5) – High heels

[3] (3) – Boots

Which of the following scenes would turn you on?

( ) = Done to me [ ] = I do to partner/applies to both (Assuming I’m the sub and my partner can be either male or female)

[5] Vanilla Romance (dinner by candlelight, movie dates, cuddling)

[3] Rough housing, wrestling

[4] (4) Massage

(1/2) Making love in a public place (not counting play parties)

(*) – In the woods and suddenly a stranger comes from behind and grabs me – Would NOT be fun in real life, unless you regard having a cardiac arrest as fun

(*) – Stranger walks into the bedroom and finds me playing with myself – more tempting if it’s someone I know and like, but what’s this randomner doing in my house?

(4) – Rough sex

(*) – Being raped – Again, no fun in real life

(1) – Being in a public place and dominated in a subtle way (let’s assume public place doesn’t mean play parties or anything similar from here on out)

(0) – Being taken out with collar and leash

(3) – Being used by more than one dominant – Maybe temporarily, and definitely somebody we both knew and trusted with prior negotiation

(3) – Playing in combination with other couples

(3) – Ordered to please others – With prior negotiation and with certain limits etc.

(4) – Sitting/kneeling at my Dom’s feet – Long as I get to cuddle up a bit :3

(5) – Being tied up, caressed and loved – Sounds perfect

(5) – Tied up and (sexually) teased

(5) – Tied up in a comfortable position

(3/4) – Tied up in discomfort – Depends how much discomfort I suppose

(5) – Tied up and (in a sexual way) exposed

(3) – Tied up and whipped, flogged or caned – As long as it’s not too hard (although I may change my mind in the future!)

(1) – Restrained and left alone – Boring

(4) – Not being tied up, but verbally commanded to pose in certain positions

(4) – Tortured without being tied or cuffed – Again, nothing extreme

(2/3) – Verbally humiliated – Could probably stand very light-hearted stuff but nothing serious

[4] (4) – Breast worship

(4) – Breast/nipple torture – Once again, nothing too extreme though

(1) – Dragged by hair and into the bedroom – Ouch my scalp

(3) – Spanked because I’ve been a naughty girl

(0) – Face slapping

(3) – Caned, flogged or whipped without being tied or cuffed

(0) – Used as slave in public, total slave, sold on slave market (legal?)

(4) – Used as (sexual) slave

(1) – Used as dog, pony or pet

(3/4) – Physical limits are tested and stretched – Obviously done with a lot of communication before hand

(2/3) – Mental limits are tested and stretched – Not very sure on this

(0) – Sign a contract – Seems pointless anyway, do these kinds of contracts have any legal standing anyway? Seems they couldn’t as slavery is in its actual form illegal

I enjoy the following psychodramas

[ ] = for me/both, ( ) = for my partner

(1/2) – Being silent or speaking only when spoken to – Wouldn’t really like not being able to communicate when I wanted to, holds little to no appeal for me

(5) – Dialogue in normal language

(2) – Dialogue in adapted language (‘Master’ and ‘slave’) – Don’t really like this very much, I don’t even like the use of titles in everyday life, unless it has some technical use (for example, it’s useful to know if someone’s a doctor) it just seems like something to boosts someone’s ego

(2/3) [3/4] – Swearing and filthy talk – Largely depends to what degree.

(3) – Reasonable rules – Kept in the bedroom

(1) – Unreasonable rules – Nope

(2/3) – Obey rules or else – Not if it’s an extreme punishment, but if it’s just something playful then fine

(0) – Begging – ABSOLUTE NO

(3) – Feeding – Not particularly bothered but could be fun to try

(4/5) – Persuaded rather than commanded – Prefer this approach

(1) – Military/jail type commands

(0) – Strict training

(3) – Subtle role play

(2) – Obvious and explicit role play – Would feel a bit silly myself

(1/2) – Make me feel cheap – To a certain degree, more playful, kind of comes with the territory of a lot of dirty talk

(1/2) – Make me feel used/owned

(0) – Make me feel guilty/useless

(2) – Objectify me

(5) – The dominant must have compassion

(0) – The Dom must have no compassion at all – I’ll show you the door

(0) – The Dom must only have compassion after the scene – Still no

Check any of the following that applies

[X] I need to be sexually aroused before I enter into a scene – to at least some degree

[X] I need to be sexually aroused when in a scene

[X] I like as many orgasms as I can get – who doesn’t? 😛

[  ] An orgasm must only be allowed as a reward

[X] An orgasm is a must to end the scene

[  ] Orgasms are not important, but nice

[  ] Orgasms are not important at all

[  ] I want to beg for an orgasm first

[  ] I want no sex during a scene

[X] I want/need sex during a scene – I think I can come to the conclusion that any scenes I partake in would be largely a sexual thing

[X] I want my sexual abilities to be stretched – Not entirely sure what this means though (just a sort of learning/improvement process?)

[  ] Sex should be used to relieve tension – It can just be some fun!

Safe words and signals

Check any of the following that applies

[X] The submissive discusses what he or she wants ahead of time

[  ] The dominant surprises the sub

[X] One or more safe words should be established

[X] All activity should stop immediately when the sub uses a safe word (like red in traffic lights) or signal

[X] When sub uses a safe word (like the yellow in traffic lights) or signal the dom should establish if scene can continue

[  ] A scene should go on up to the point where sub uses a safe word or signal – Not necessarily, I’d prefer it wouldn’t get to that point if possible actually

[  ] When the sub cries, the scene should stop – Hmm, depends, although probably most of the time

[X] The dom should be able to read body language

 

My love for making/filling-out lists knows no bounds.

I think that a lot more important points were brought up on this list than the previous, especially concerning a passionate Dom and whether sex is an important part of a scene (I think I’d only partake in a scene of a sexual nature, at least at this point. I’m not into D/s outside the bedroom). I don’t really think stopping at a safe word should be a point though – I think that should be a given. I also think aftercare should be a given, certainly if the Dom has any idea what they’re doing (surely even 24/7 Master/slave relationships have some form of this, or am I misinformed?). Many of the points here would definitely be useless between two people trying to find a Dom or sub for them, things like stopping a scene if someone begins to cry could be very important for some, whilst others wouldn’t consider it a factor in stopping at all.

There wasn’t too much that surprised me here like that the last list, although it did help to highlight some of the things that were really important to me. Establishing discoveries is just an important as finding new ones.

As well as this list I found a pretty useful safety guide that covered most basic aspects of BDSM. Not much to say about it but I would recommend it to any beginners – it’s clear, concise and covers most some things that you may have not thought about:

http://venusenvy.ca/Resources/SaferBDSM

A slower day compared to others, but still going at an easy pace.

 

Sites that helped me with this post:

http://www.askdanandjennifer.com/sex-intimacy/bondage-fetishes-fantasies/the-beautiful-kinds-ultimate-bdsm-fetish-kink-checklist/ – Where I found the check list. This site actually covers a lot of topics, BDSM or otherwise, so I’d recommend checking it out.

Slowing Down, Making Progress and ‘Wannabedoms’

Feeling much better than yesterday and a little silly over how dramatic I was. Looking back on my last post did help me sift through a lot of strong emotions though, so I don’t regret anything I wrote. I do feel as though I’m pushing myself a little hard though, perhaps going a little too fast. I’ve fast come to the conclusion that although I can perhaps relate a Dom/sub relationship, a Master/slave one would never be for me. Although the D/s aspect may leak a little bit out of the bedroom I think it would largely sexual – not that that makes it lesser, after all sex is something I struggle with, the trust I’d need for someone in that department would be much higher than what I’d need in other areas because I’m so unsure of myself. That being said I think it would be better to focus on looking at lighter aspects of BDSM before trying to wrap my head around the complexities of something as extreme as a 24/7 Master/slave relationship – otherwise I’m just going to scare myself off and never resolve me negative feelings towards such practises and their practitioners. So slow and steady is the answer.

I have made another little step in the right direction though. Today when I masturbated I managed to more-or-less comfortably finger myself just using a single finger. It may not seem like much but any previous attempts have only resulted in at best mild discomfort and at worst quite a bit of pain. So I feel a bit of progress has been made there – although I can’t say it really felt all that good, not painful or uncomfortable, but not good either, maybe that’s a bit too much to expect at this stage (I have been considering visiting a gynaecologist to check that everything’s as it should be, but I’d have to no idea how to approach the situation and I’d hate the whole experience. I’ve heard loads of horror stories from women who’ve gone for check-ups and been repeatedly told there’s nothing wrong by careless doctors, only to find that they’re suffering vaginismus or something along those lines years later – anyone have any advice on this?). Looking back on the pain I’ve always associated with that area as opposed to clitoral or anal stimulation it’s clear that it’s made me actively avoid the idea of vaginal penetration – for years I’d always avoided porn videos showing it, always looking for alternatives. I couldn’t even watch it. Is this level of pain normal for virgins? From what I’ve heard that doesn’t appear to be the case.

Today I decided as a task for myself I’d try to approach a problem that many newcomers to BDSM struggle with – the idea that everyone involved in BDSM engages in every kink, that they all want nothing but the most extreme and that a ‘French Vanilla with a few sprinkles’ just didn’t fit into the scene. I’ve found several very encouraging sites that I’ll post links to that helped dispel this illusion of an ‘all-or-nothing’ universal approach. I also found that several people familiar to the scene were also getting tired of the way a select few people who engaged in more extreme BDSM were scaring off beginners of misleading them into thinking that it’s all about pushing the boundaries. Take a look at this table:

Any of these sound familiar? Even with what I consider to be my fairly limited research I’ve come across all of these at least once – and I haven’t even been to a workshop! All of these are worrying to a certain degree (especially to those who are only using BDSM as a way to spice up stale sex lives rather than engage in it as a lifestyle), but some are far more concerning that others. For example – ‘playing privately doesn’t count?’ What the hell? It amazes me that people can strut around and tell people that if they’re not doing it in front of a load of strangers, it’s not BDSM at all. Fair enough if you’re into exhibitionism but what the hell kind of message is that to put across? Luckily I think the majority of people would see straight through that but the more complicated things such as Doms insinuating that they can tell right off the bat exactly what a sub wants or needs the moment they lay eyes on them could get a newbie sub into a really dangerous and damaging position. This seems to be a problem that quite widely acknowledged. I’ve found quite a few articles on the subject of ‘wannabedoms’ or ‘fake Doms’ who use the concept of dominance as a pretence for abuse or getting people who don’t know any better into a full-on relationship as quick as possible, often taking on more control than has been agreed on.

These are often people who have little control over their own lives and so are certainly in no position to take on the responsibility of others’ safety and well-being. They’re often extremely insecure and use BDSM Dom/sub relationships as a way to feel validated and strong. They don’t view the sub as an equal, rather as someone weak they can control – not through desire or agreed limits but through fear and guilt. They often step over the set boundaries and tell the sub that they’re being a bad sub for not doing as they’re told, although it was a hard limit. They instil feelings of guilt, shame and fear to keep that person where they want them – it’s abuse, not BDSM in any sense. They impose strict limits on subs that allow them little breathing room for communication –either with them or other Doms/subs they could seek out for help – because they’re scared they’ll be given the very good advice to get gone. Instead of building the sub up they try to break them down and the effect can be devastating – in a few cases subs have completely dropped the lifestyle for fear of getting used like this again. When they do finally leave the wannabedom quickly moves onto finding their next victim and despite the many safety nets put in place by the various BDSM communities, it seems that many of these men/women go on unhindered.

What’s really important here is really getting to know a Dom before meeting them. Don’t just discuss BDSM but observe how they perform in other areas in life – do they seem stable? Do they handle the stresses of life calmly and with control? Or are they easily angered, with constant mood swings? If they can’t keep their own affairs in order how can you trust them to look after you and concern themselves with your safety? If they’re trying to push your limits further than you’re willing to go, speak up. If they ignore safe words or hard limits then get gone. Even after meeting them the first time don’t just let them tie you up straight-away. Have a few no-strings attached meetings, use safety calls for your first few scenes and don’t incorporate bondage into those scenes those first few times. It’s sad that people should have to be advised on how to avoid abusers when the emphasis should be so much more on teaching people not to abuse, but there’s not much that can be done. Just try to stay safe and if you do come across a wannabedom, out them so that others won’t be so easily drawn in.

Sites that helped me with this post:

http://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2011/05/19/bdsm-workshop-bingo/ – The BDSM workshop bingo.

http://www.smittenkittenonline.com/blog/12/sexandculture/vanilla-girl-in-a-non-vanilla-world-by-coochie – A Vanilla girl in a non-Vanilla world, one woman describes where she fits on the Vanilla/BDSM spectrum and shows that you can be anywhere on that scale and that the scale itself is largely open to interpretation.

http://gentledom.tumblr.com/post/27189513222/wannabedoms – An informative post on the subject of ‘wannabedoms.’

Begging, Punishment and Tears

Had a massive step back today. I’ve had a lot of trouble dealing with all the anger and resentment I’ve been feeling, I’ve tried to cool down before writing anything so I hope I can get it off my chest without upsetting anyone. It’s also a bit long, I decided to write my complete train of thought without editing or censoring – so apologies for the length.

 

The first I’m gonna try get through is the concept of begging. I understand that some people like it, some think it’s harmless, some enjoy being humiliated by it – me, I despise it in every instance. It just revolts me, in my eyes it’s just humanity in its lowest form. I’m not sure who I hate more when I see it, the one doing the begging or the one demanding it. Perhaps to say in every instance is too harsh – sometimes it just comes naturally in the heat of the moment, sometimes people are perfectly comfortable with it in the same way as dirty talk or role-playing, so it’s just harmless fun. But to see someone dragging themselves through the dirt and grovelling at someone’s feet? I just find it despicable. I don’t know why I feel so angry, I’m absolutely sick of feeling angry and not knowing why. I’m sick of being angry at people I don’t even know, and who logic tells me don’t deserve it by any means, but my gut tells me are detestable.

But why? Why so much anger? Anger rarely comes to me, to the point where I can pretty much remember every instance of true anger I’ve ever felt, re-live it as though I was at that moment again and feel that rage burning as strongly as it did then. Usually I can douse the flames with reason and understanding, but at this point I just feel sick of understanding. It feels like I’m the one always trying to understand, always trying to excuse things that I often hate. I feel like I’m the only one who can’t feel angry without feeling guilty – is it too much to ask to just be able to hate something? To just hate it and leave it at that? To not argue the other side or see the other person’s perspective? Sometimes it feels like I just don’t get any understanding back. My brain kicks in here and promptly tells me that this is not the case, but I feel conflicted – to say the heart is simply an organ that pumps blood around your body it can make a very strong case against the brain, even with all its logic and reasoning.

I don’t really want to hate something, but at the same time I do. I crave to just be able to feel my own emotions and no-one else’s. But that isn’t me – I despise the intolerant, the hypocrite and so sometimes despise myself. Luckily I can usually dig myself out of this rut and of course everyone has those moments of self-doubt. I know I’m someone who has a lot to give, but sometimes I feel that no-one wants it. Everyone feels like this from time to time but, with a note of selfishness, what use is that to me? It’s like trying to comfort the mother who’s lost a child with tales of mothers who’ve lost more – sometimes perspective can be gained but should that come at the price of being forbidden of feeling your own losses? A part of me just wants to be selfish from time to time but a much larger part is simply more concerned with others – so I forget my own problems and guide everyone else through their own. Surely a positive quality? It often feels a flaw.

How can something as simple as begging produce such a reaction? Perhaps it’s the feeling of injustice, the feeling that something that comes so hard to me is a trifle for others. That something that would make me hate myself liberates others. So perhaps it’s jealousy? I just read of people describing the humiliation they felt as they were forced to say the most horrible things of themselves and the sceptic inside me tells me that they’re self-hating idiots. This isn’t the case, but why does it feel so? I’m a creature of logic and I don’t like it when my thoughts and my feelings clash like this. I can almost appreciate the idea behind wanting someone to beg, just to know how desperately they want something – but then I can almost imagine the conniving smirk on the face of a man who rips his pleasure from the degradation of others. I just don’t know how either party can stand it – how someone can look at someone so beaten and feel anything other than their heart breaking, or how someone can look back up at them feeling anything other than betrayal and self-loathing. Incomprehension? Am I simply unable to understand it? I feel like I’m beating against a brick wall in my own mind, understanding just refuses to come.

It just seems wrong to me that someone should be encouraged to participate in such a harmful practise. Yes they derive some sort of good feeling from it – whether it be pride or arousal or whatever else – I just feel pleasure should be derived because of a sensation, not despite it. Otherwise should we not just turn a blind eye to alcoholism or drug abuse? Do people who take hard drugs not get a rush from them? There are harmful side-effects but are they any less damaging than the ones experienced through humiliation? Where does the distinction lie? It feels like everyone’s onto some big secret, that I’m scrabbling around for answers that the rest of the world already has. I don’t remember feeling so conflicted.

Punishment raises this same anger, for different yet similar reasons. When a sub accepts punishment, when he/she throws off responsibility and submits their lives to the will of their Dom, is it not simply a lack of responsibility? I feel it’s a weakness, that these people should just grow up and make their own decisions, stop laying the responsibility on someone else – regardless of whether they want to take it. Improvement of the self should come from the self, from self-discipline, from an internal want of change – not the whims of another. YOU should make the change and YOU should do the work. Support is always needed but that’s not the same as simply handing over the reins. I just feel like I’m completely missing the point of the Dominant/submissive relationship – what is it that I’m not getting? Why does it feel so damaging when so many people find it to be such a release?

Is it simply that what I desire is different? The more I learn about the mindsets behind submissiveness the less I feel I identify with them, even though just a couple of days ago I felt for sure I was heading in the right direction. I don’t want to be controlled, I feel that what I need is more of a guidance, a gentle hand to help me through all these things I struggle with. I don’t want to feel constantly nervous and frightened, I want to feel safe – sometimes it seems I never get to. I want to explore things but not because I want to ‘live life on the edge’ but because I want to discover all the wonderful things the world has to offer – bondage and sex toys don’t offer me any thrill from the slight sense of taboo – it seems a slightly childish attitude, rebelling for the sake of it. I don’t even really find them taboo, they’re just new sensations with wonderful potential for pleasure and even more so steps towards reaching that place everyone aspires to, where you finally feel so secure and happy in yourself that you can trust and love the one who’s guided you there. Can’t you have bondage, dirty talk, spanking and all those things without having the sleaze? If that’s what people want than that’s what they should strive for, but what about me? I feel like I’m the only one who feels this way. Next to impossible I’m sure but I just can’t find what I’m feeling reflected anywhere. The Gentle Dom’s blog is the closest I’ve gotten to really being able to envision that ideal scenario – the ideal’s rarely obtainable but that doesn’t mean we can’t work towards it.

I’ve just got so many different emotions all swimming round at once and I don’t know how to deal with any of them. It just feels that everything to do with relationships – vanilla or BDSM is just too complicated for me, while everyone else just seems to move gracefully through them with little to no trouble. Not to say that I’ve surrounded by perfect relationships, I look around and I see hardly one that hasn’t just ended with disappointment. But people carry on anyway, life goes on and they seek relationships again – how do they do it? I’m awed by it; it makes me feel a coward.

In a world where everyone’s living fast and pushing the limits it seems that there’s little room for cuddling up, feeling warm and safe – all the space is taken up by a constant battle for more, more challenges, more sensation. It just feels so overwhelming, but I feel it oughtn’t to be. I wish I had someone to talk to about these things. I have people I feel I could talk to about anything but this, that it’d be all awkward silences and hurriedly changing the topic. My journals have always been enough for me, but now I feel I need a real person to help ground me, to stop me from over-analysing and getting all het up and dramatic over nothing. It doesn’t feel like nothing though and it appears like a huge mountain I could never hope to cross. Perhaps everyone feels that in their darker moments in life they’ll never be able to overcome, but it just feels like I’m trying to kid myself by strapping on my climbing gear and moving off towards the precipice.

I’m just so confused by it all. I thought I’d started to understand but now I feel worse off than when I started. Maybe I’ll wake in the morning and I’ll look back and think of how ridiculous I’ve been, I already feel a little better just for writing. This could just be a difficult step at a time in my life where most people feel confused and turbulent, I just feel like there’s no-one there to help me steady myself and continue on.

I think I’ve exhausted myself now. I feel a bit down and more than a little silly for all the drama. This hasn’t been one of my better days.

Being A Virgin

Why does everyone associate virginity with religiousness and a sort of holier-than-thou attitude? I realise that many people choose to remain virgins until marriage for religious reasons, and good for them for sticking to their guns. However it seems that people think that every last virgin over the age of (at most) 18 is some sort of religious zealot, either that or they think that they consider their virginity to be some sort of grand gift to give to someone.

But I don’t feel that way. Not to say that I want to just have sex with anyone, I wouldn’t still be a virgin if that were the case. However I’m not holding out for ‘the one’ either – I just want someone I can connect with one some level, I would want a boyfriend/girlfriend girlfriend/girlfriend relationship, but the minute I sleep with someone I’m not gonna become the clingy girl from Hell (something a lot of guys seem to worry about concerning sleeping with a virgin – we’re not all Overly-Attached Girlfriend!).

Lol.

I don’t feel like my first time is a huge gift that I should bestow upon some worthy suitor either – my trust however is a gift, the sex just happens to accompany that. But I feel that trust is a gift in any context – I feel privileged if my friend trusts me with a secret, or if I’m the one that’s called for help if someone goes wrong.  Maybe that’s why I’m starting to identify a bit more with the submissive attitude – because when it comes down to it, isn’t it all about giving your trust?

Just a bit sick of this attitude, it makes it difficult to admit to a guy/girl that I’m still a virgin for the fear that they’ll run to the hills! 19’s not too old though – just might become a problem if I still haven’t had sex by the time I’m in my mid-twenties (not that I’m going to let that fear push me into some emotionless one-night stand – not against them, but they don’t do anything for me. That doesn’t mean it’s marriage or nothing either though! Hell not even sure I want to get married, I’m not particularly religious and I don’t understand the notion of needing a big ceremony to prove you’re in love with someone. Would like to wear a pretty dress though. Also cake).

Also I want to give a bit of a shout-out to a Tumblr blog I found – the Gentle Dom. It really speaks to me, it’s practically a guide to my ideal relationship – the sub/Dom relationship but without a lot of the scariness that might put off newcomers. It’s written with inexperience subs in mind, so if you’re like me you might like to give it a look – I actually read the entire 50+ pages in one sitting! (Too much time on my hands).

Here it is – http://gentledom.tumblr.com/ – give it a gander! This page is particularly useful – http://gentledom.tumblr.com/links.

Done Cleaning Up

I’ve done cleaning up and breaking up my posts here – again my apologies to people getting a storm of post updates.

My Kink List and How It Helped me

Warning – This is a long post and contains a lot of personal information.

Earlier I was looking back on what I’ve written so far, and I wondered – is it a tad too personal? After a moment’s thought I decided – no. In fact I don’t think it’s personal enough. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean this in the sense that I feel the need to tell every gritty detail to whoever may be reading (although if for some reason or another it helps someone with their own feelings, awesome). Rather it’s that I’m still holding back, if I’m going to make this blog about self-discovery and growth, I can’t hold back. I’ve kept journals where I won’t even write everything I may want to, because I worry that someone’s going to pick it up and read about some rather personal moments that I’d rather they didn’t. Here I have a unique opportunity to really let loose, dig down deep and figure out what it is that’s really making me tick. And last night has given me the perfect chance to go into something that is personal, but in a way that is definitely important to what it is I’m trying to do here – so, wish me luck!

*Deep breath*

It all began with my have a good dig around through the internet, as always. It was just a casual browse looking at various aspects of BDSM and vanilla sex, seeing what turns me on and what doesn’t. Originally this was intended to come up with a sort of list of what I’d like to try, soft limits and hard limits, I thought that gathering me thoughts and actually getting a list down would really help me distinguishing from the interesting, the slightly uncomfortable but still exciting, and the absolute no’s. I read advice articles, tips for beginners, more extreme posts and even an odd bit of erotic fiction where it took my fancy. So what did I come up with? I used external kink list to help me cover as many bases as possible, so it’s pretty extensive and I’ve tried to provide reasons for many of the answers.

 

DEFINITELY want to try

–          Light bondage

–          Sensation play

–          Teasing and orgasm control

–          Anal sex

–          Anal plugs (small)

–          Arm & leg sleeves

–          Blindfolding

–          Being bitten

–          Breast/chest bondage

–          Being serviced sexually

–          Corsets (Have to say I actually LOVE corsets – so pretty and I’m not sure why, but I kind of like the pressure pressing down on my stomach. Never heard of this anywhere else so I might just be a bit odd!)

–          Waist training (LOVE tiny waists too!)

–          Leather cuffs

–          Dildos (especially since I’m bi)

–          Double penetrations (want to try it, but obviously something to work up to)

–          Exhibitionism (in a sense of walking around naked at a play party or something similar. Might actually find this quite liberating as long as my skin wasn’t too bad at the time or I didn’t have a little pot belly or something along those lines haha).

–          Forced masturbation (quite out of my comfort zone but oddly titillating)

–          Forced nudity (again only in the right scenario)

–          Inflatable, phallic or cloth gags (may change my mind after trying but am interested)

–          Genital sex (should hope so at some point!)

–          Hand jobs (nothing like a good ol’ fashioned from time to time. I may watch too much South Park)

–          Fellatio/cunnilingus

–          High heel wearing

–          Immobilisation (probably with sexual elements, just not being able to move on its own wouldn’t do much for me)

–          Leather clothing (why not? Can’t do with overheating though – I usually end up dizzy or at worst unconscious).

–          Leather restraints (would prefer soft leather, all the wriggling with none of the pain!)

–          Lingerie (how is this even on the list? Surely even the most vanilla like a bit of pretty/sexy underwear?)

–          Giving/receiving massage

–          Phone sex (in a being-told-what-to-do way, actually seems pretty hot and may make me less self-conscious than other situations. Absolute privacy a MUST)

–          Saran wrap

–          Scratching (with nails, not to the point of drawing blood – but digging in your nails a bit is fine with me! With my talons it’d probably be a bit unavoidable for my partner too haha)

–          Spreader bars

–          Sucking on/penetrated by strap-on-dildos

–          Vibrator on genitals (YES)

 

MAY want to try

–          Light pain play (spanking, nipple clamps, stuff like that)

–          Mild power play (as submissive)

–          Sensory deprivation outside blindfolding – only headphones really (I say headphones because I always find earphones uncomfortable or they fall out of my teeny tiny ears all the time, which I imagine would be pretty annoying in a scene haha. Also anything going in my nose? NO, don’t find anything involving noses to be sexy to be honest haha).

–          Heavy bondage

–          Public bondage under clothing

–          Public bondage over clothing – STRICTLY if it was in a play party or something along those lines. I’d consider anything in a vanilla situation breaking the rule of consent for those around me – for instance other shoppers in a mall. Also I’d feel a bit too embarrassed, definitely not in a good way).

–          Cages (nothing against them, but don’t particularly see the appeal. See a bit boring to be honest, or perhaps I’m just not being creative enough!)

–          Very light caning – somewhere on the pain levels of moderate spanking? Not quite sure, hard to tell on this one without experience to be honest.

–          Chains (understand the idea of really being unable to escape, but I think I’d prefer to be able to struggle a bit without hurting my wrists)

–          Metal cuffs (same as with chains)

–          Chores (not that I wouldn’t like to help someone out around the house, just don’t get turned on by it)

–          Clothespins (Are all clothespins made equal? I think I’d prefer a light – moderate level of pinching, if that makes any sense!)

–          Collars (again feel a bit silly, but if they’re really into it I’m not TOO bothered)

–          Enemas (as long as I could go to the toilet without being watched. More as a sense of feeling a bit cleaner during anal play than anything else)

–          Vaginal/anal fisting (almost a soft limit. I struggle with even fingering myself at the moment so it may be that I can never be comfortable with this level of stretching. If I could though I would like to maybe try it. Awkward question – does fisting make you less tight? If so I’d be less inclined to try it. Awkward question over).

–          Following orders (to a degree, may need to discuss things like tone of voice and things I’d REALLY find uncomfortable, but hopefully in a way that doesn’t just completely take away the point of it)

–          Forced dressing (okay, but wouldn’t it be more fun the other way? :P)

–          TEMPORARILY given away to another Dom (would need to be someone I knew and trusted, although I may waive this a little in a play party scenario)

–          Hair brush spankings (again, would need to gauge my tolerance by trying)

–          Harems, serving with other subs (again would need plenty of discussion going into specifics, but an interesting idea)

–          Hot oils (again, not sure of my pain threshold. I hear this is quite different from other types though i.e. some people who only like light pain enjoy it/people who like heavy pain don’t)

–          Light humiliation (would be pretty specific, it’s easy for me to cross that line of embarrassed in a good way and OMG I WANT TO CRAWL UNDER A ROCK AND DIE)

–          Ice cubes

–          Intricate rope bondage

–          Extended kneeling (more a technical thing. For reasons I’ve never understood, if I’m ever kneeling for a long time, the top of my foot feels stretched and quite painful. Not bothered by the submission aspect, especially if I could cuddle up to my partner’s legs – such a softy haha).

–          Manacles and irons (like the ‘can’t escape’ idea, don’t like tugging to be painful)

–          Manicures (not because they get me off, I just have really long nails and can spend hours painting little patterns on)

–          Nipple clamps (may be a bit too much more me, but willing to try after working up to it)

–          Prison scenes (could be fun)

–          Pussy worship (why not?)

–          Restrictive rules of behaviour – purely in a sexual context (still not too sure though)

–          Serving in the context of a sexual scene

–          Slutty clothing (at a play party, in private only)

–          Stocks (not any kind that would any strain on my back – I would get frustrated in a very not-good way pretty quickly)

–          Using strap-on-dildos (just don’t feel like a top, would try if I were in a lesbian relationship though – wouldn’t really be fair not to!)

–          Swallowing semen (can’t really know how I’ll react ‘till it happens)

–          Triple penetrations (sounds hot in theory, may not be so great in practise)

–          Uniforms

–          Voyeurism (not in the ‘they don’t know we’re watching’ kind of way)

 

Soft Limits (Would try for someone else/ under the right circumstances)

–          Breath control (to a limited degree, almost a hard limit but not quite. I also can get low blood-pressure at times which may completely rule this out, not completely sure on the rules here).

–          Domination (not really me, but if my partner was really into it it’d only be fair to give it the ol’ college try!)

–          Breast whipping (probably wouldn’t it too extreme, but I think I’d try it to certain degrees under the right circumstances)

–          Caning (same rules as apply to breast whipping)

–          Cells/closets (can be a bit claustrophobic at times, would require TOTAL trust)

–          Chastity belts (have to say that long periods without orgasms don’t really bother me, and I don’t really get more intense orgasms from going without one for a while. May change my opinion with a partner involved though)

–          Competitions with other subs (May be a tad too insecure for this one, but that may change as I get a bit more experience)

–          Enemas for retention (not sure, stomach aches can bring on a drop in blood pressure which can lead to me fainting, I gather that retaining enemas is a similar feeling? May try it though as long as the potential issues were understood by my partner)

–          Eye contact restrictions (don’t really understand this one – why wouldn’t you want to see your partner’s face/reaction? Or other people’s reactions if that were the case? Limiting eye contact would make it less intense for me, not more. Forced eye contact on the other hand could be a little embarrassing in just the right way)

–          Fantasy abandonment (same as cages, just think I’d get bored really)

–          Foot worship (kind of don’t like feet, don’t find them sexy at all. But I know quite a lot of people have foot fetishes so maybe – clean feet a must, no stinky just-been-to-the-gym feet haha).

–          Fantasy rape (would really need to go quite into the details on this one and need to really trust my partner. Realise that in most of these scenarios I would – but even more than usual).

–          Full head hoods (may be a bit too much, but possibly willing to try)

–          Hair pulling (not really into it, got quite a sensitive scalp. But may try)

–          High heel worship (don’t get it, but wouldn’t really bother me if someone asked me to do it)

–          Moderate humiliation (as with anything, lots of discussion prior – don’t want to be humiliated in a way that makes me resentful to my partner and/or myself)

–          Interrogations (not sure I’d be able to play a role being convincingly, could be done a giggly/just for fun way though)

–          Mummification (does this always involve covering the face/head? If not I’m more open to it)

–          Over the knee spanking (more open to spanking in other positions. I don’t know why but it just makes me think of child discipline, and even the slightest reference to child violence gets my blood boiling in rage like nothing else)

–          Orgasm denial (almost a hard limit. Just see myself getting annoyed rather than frustrated in a fun way)

–          Punishment scene (perhaps if done in the right way – definitely would have to be a fake punishment, not something I’d actually done. Still not completely sure though)

–          Pussy whipping (almost a hard limit, but maybe if only done lightly and worked up to)

–          Riding crops (maybe, again personal experience may alter this. If I can’t manage spanking I’m not gonna do much good with a crop)

–          Rope body harness (perhaps with some working up to it. Would have to try other forms of bondage first though – although that’s probably just common sense in any case)

–          Serving other Doms sexually (with my partner present and only to an extent I may try this. I do want to leave some of me that’s only for my partner though!)

–          Skinny dipping (someone might be able to talk me into it!)

–          Speech restrictions (not sure I’d feel comfortable not being able to communicate when I need to. I’d also feel a bit annoyed not being able to talk to others at a play party too)

–          Strait jackets (don’t really appeal to me although I’m open to most other forms of bondage)

–          Swapping with another couple (would still like to feel in some way connected with my own partner)

 

Hard Limits (Really do NOT want to do)

–          Animal roles

–          Bathroom use control

–          Scat

–          Catheterisation

–          Electrical Play

–          Chamber pot use

–          Forced bedwetting

–          Diapers (at this point shall we just assume it’s anything involving bodily waste functions?)

–          Cutting (anything that draws blood really. I have psoriasis which affects the skin but is actually an autoimmune system, so open wounds make it spread like wildfire. I put a lot of time and effort controlling the damn thing so I’d be devastated to get yet another flare-up)

–          Forced exercise (not interested, hard enough doing it when I’m motivated)

–          Face slapping (don’t want to risk visible marks)

–          Flame play

–          Forced eating (don’t like people telling me what to eat, I’m very picky. Also in the more literal sense if I feel full I can’t eat another bite without feeling sick, even if that’s the very last bite on the plate)

–          Forced smoking (eww, smoking)

–          Rubber gags (rubber on teeth? I’m gonna need to go scratch something to get rid of this cringey feeling)

–          Gas masks (a bit scary)

–          Permanently given away to another Dom (wouldn’t consider myself owned on any kind of permanent basis, so pretty much impossible in any case)

–          Golden showers

–          Gun play (hate guns, would just make me angry)

–          Having clothing chosen for me (not against suggestions, but wouldn’t want to wear something I found hideous haha)

–          Heavy humiliation

–          Hypnotism (sounds dangerous)

–          Infantilism

–          Initiation rites (makes me angry on principal, don’t think I’d change my mind in this context either)

–          Injections

–          Lectures for misbehaviour (they’re my partner, not my bloody parents)

–          Knife play

–          Medical scenes

–          Modelling for erotic photos (may change in the future, but as it stands I hate photos even when I’ve covered from head to toe)

–          Mouth bits (just don’t find them very nice to look at to the point where I’d feel absolutely ridiculous)

–          Piercings (I like ear piercings and maybe tongue piercings on some people. Just find them ugly otherwise if I’m honest – no offense to those who do like them)

–          Rimming (no, just, no)

–          Outside scenes (dirt – dirt everywhere)

–          Persona training/modification (if you don’t like me, why the Hell are you doing any of this stuff with me? Comes across as fairly insulting personally)

–          Plastic surgery (might do it of my own volition, but certainly not for anyone else)

–          Prostitution (it’s handy really, in the UK if the dial 911 it still rings the emergency services – apparently too many kids watching American movies had started to forgot that it’s 999 over here)

–          Pony slave

–          Public exposure (oh GOD no)

–          Riding the ‘horse’ (fun as a fantasy, not as a reality)

–          Religious scenes/rituals

–          Permanent marks/scarification (Don’t want temporary marks either, but would forgive it in an accident, I’m not completely unreasonable)

–          Shaving (got sensitive skin so it’s best left to me really)

–          Sleep deprivation (I’m a borderline insomniac as it is)

–          Spitting (makes me want to slap people, my absolute pet hate)

–          Standing in corner (why?)

–          Strapping – full body beating

–          Suspension (may change with time, but it feels a little too risky to me right now – especially with my low blood pressure)

–          Supplying new partners for my Dom (MINE, small chance I may not object if they suggest someone but probably not hugely likely)

–          Swallowing faeces/urine (is that even healthy? The faeces I mean, Bear Grylls has supplied plenty of evidence on behalf of the latter)

–          Tattooing

–          Thumb cuffs (I like to tug and wriggle, so no to this)

–          Recordings/photos (my worst fear would be them ending up on the internet)

–          Waxing – body hair removal (again, sensitive skin)

–          Cross-dressing

–          Lactation

–          Branding

 

So that’s a pretty long list. Can I just note here that this isn’t a personal advertisement – it’s for my own personal reflection, just making sure you know!

I have to say that, with quite a lot of that, I’m fairly surprised with myself. I forced myself to be as honest as possible and I actually think I’m open to a lot more ideas than I originally thought. I came to the conclusion that perhaps some of my negative and/or vulnerable feelings associated with sex or BDSM may be partly derived from previously be unable to be honest about what I might find arousing. In other words, I was ashamed of some of my turn-ons and as such had angry/upset/disgusted reactions to some of them (kind of the same kind of logic behind the belief that some people hold that many of the most aggressively homophobic people are often haunted by their own vicious struggles with their sexuality), even occasionally to the point of tears. So what’s the lesson here? Lighten up and be honest with yourself. I’m not this list has been my saviour and solution to all my problems, but it seems like a huge step made in a relatively short time. What followed as a result however was something much more concrete than a simple list could ever be, and gave much more of a ‘revelation’ or ‘epiphany’ moment.

I thought to myself, I need some sort of test I can carry out to see if these things are really something I’m into. I needed something that fell short of actually carrying them out as that would be difficult and undesirable at this particular stage, so instead, why not see if I can just get off to them instead? (I understand that liking something in fantasy isn’t the same as in reality but it’s the best I could do, and it does have some logic behind it – just bear with me!). A problem I’d always have would be that whenever I fantasised during masturbation (I’m pretty fantasy-heavy) it would always be about other people – no-one in particular, just nameless faces, and usually doing things that wouldn’t be at all desirable for me. So for once I tried to beat the system and see if I could get off whilst imagining myself in some of the situations on my list. And guess what? It worked! For the first time ever I could relate my fantasies as something I’d personally enjoy (Hell, it was actually better than my usual fantasies – added bonus! Feel it might be going too far to explain exactly what said fantasies were, but at the same time, don’t be afraid to ask! I don’t want people to be getting all squirmy ‘cos my writing’s a bit TMI!). This might not seem like a big deal to many people, but it’s actually a huge step for me in terms of thinking of myself as a sexual being, as seeing sex as something I could enjoy rather than being something ‘for other people.’

There’s still a huge gap between imagining and doing, but the gap’s gotten just that little bit smaller. It’s been a positive change in all ways – I’ve admitted some of (what I might consider) some of my more embarrassing or kinky desires, I’ve taken a step towards considering myself a sexual being and I got a great orgasm too. I can’t see a downside there!

What I would like people’s advice and/or opinions on (if anyone cares to offer them) is distinguishing between the little bit of nervousness which adds a rush to things, and genuine I-don’t-like-this nervousness. There are some things I would like to try here, but I’m not sure where the adrenaline-rush type fear would end or whether I’d mistake it for real fear and run for the hills. Is it really just a case of growing a pair and giving it a go? Or is it something more complex than that – a mix of common sense and instinct maybe? See I previously thought verbal humiliation at any degree would be out-and-out unpleasant, but then I imagined a few scenarios where I thought ‘hey, maybe a bit of dirty talk wouldn’t be so bad…’ Perhaps this touches on pushing limits very gently, and my discomfort with it – that perhaps I’m worried that I won’t be able to distinguish the two and end up in a bad situation. I feel I’m not quite explaining it right, but I know there’s a large part of me that worries about this. Maybe the answer’s as simple as me being a coward – but I don’t think it’s that. I’ve adventurous in areas outside sex – so why is it just sex that causes me such a problem? Clearly although I feel a lot of progress has been made today, there’s still an immense path ahead of me.