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Thoughts on D/s…or Maybe Protocol?

Yesterday I wrote a new post, but pulled it back at the last minute. It was about whether D/s within BDSM was for me and how it annoyed me that people just assumed that almost everyone who knows you’re into BDSM assumes that you are. However after this very enlightening conversation, I took a step back and changed my stance a little – for the sake of clarity, here’s the original post:

BDSM is made up of many aspects, the three most general being B/D (bondage and discipline), S/M (sadism and masochism) and D/s (Dominance and submission). It seems widely accepted that of course, you don’t need to be into all three of these aspects, you may even only be into one, or only certain things within one group. There’s a lot of submissives who aren’t into pain and Dominants who aren’t huge on sadism. However it seems that if someone is into the S/M and B/D aspects, but not the D/s, quite a few look down on it, some even refuse to believe that someone isn’t into it.

The reason I bring this up is because of certain conclusions I’ve drawn about my own interests, or at least where they lay at this moment in time. I’m just not that into Dominance and submission. Sure I like my partner to take the lead and when they let me know what they want it’s great – but I don’t want to feel controlled. Really, I just don’t. Perhaps the word here is that I like to be guided rather than ordered. That’s not to say I don’t want to put effort in, quite the opposite – I’d want to know what it was my partner wanted so I could get to it right away and with gusto. And at the same time the idea of exploring things I’m a little nervous about with a loving and supportive partner is downright hot…but does that really equal submission? Is letting someone take the lead really the same as ceding over power? Perhaps I’m being pernickety, but it doesn’t feel the same. It doesn’t feel as though in that setting any power has been taken away from me, nor my ability to provide equal input in that setting. Maybe it’s the idea of protocols that puts me off rather than the D/s in general? I’m not sure, they can overlap quite a bit, but I’m not entirely sure that it’s just that.

After seeing so many people insist that everyone must be into D/s at least a bit, I tried pretty hard to convince myself that yes, I must be too. But I just wasn’t – I didn’t get excited by the prospect of feeling powerless, quite the opposite, I love to feel powerful. But that doesn’t make me Dominant either – I crave power over my own life and its course but I have no such desire for that kind of control over anyone else’s. For example, if my partner was constantly asking for my leave to do something or constantly wanting me to make decisions for them I’d quickly get irritated and start wishing that they’d just make their own damn mind up. Why can’t it be that? Why can’t two people strive for equal power within a relationship? Why does there always have to be imbalance? Yes, I agree that perfect balance is pretty much unachievable – but that doesn’t make we couldn’t strive for it.

I’ve heard submissives talk about their dream of completely submitting to their Dom, and I can only wish they one day achieve that goal. But is it strange that when I imagine myself, my absolute best self, I’m completely independent – always loving of friends and family, extremely so – but not at all dependant on them? And to want to be with someone similar? Or does that make me cold? When I’ve told people of this in the past they seem to think it would mean that I couldn’t really love someone because I didn’t exactly ‘need’ them to function – but how can that be true? My world won’t collapse if one of my friends decides to one day leave my life forever, but that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t miss them incredibly.

This wouldn’t be such an issue if people weren’t constantly trying to hoist a submissive or Dominant label on people in BDSM relationships – not everyone does, but there’s a huge number that believe that you must be one, or if you’re a switch, one during a particular scene. But why? I don’t see why sadism/masochism or bondage/masochism necessarily entails dominance or submission. I don’t understand why people purely into sensation play can sometimes be looked down on either – it’s just one way for people to express their kink. It doesn’t mean there can’t be an emotional aspect to their relationship – that’d be like saying vanilla couples don’t have an emotional aspect to their relationships either. In a community that strives for acceptable of all, this seems to be a prejudice which crops up fairly often – even outside the usual ‘twue way’ fanatacists. Again, it’s not everyone, but it’s a surprisingly high number of people – not people who necessarily say outright that it’s not BDSM without D/s, but those annoying people who insist that you just have to lean one way or the other.

But I’m sick of trying to convince myself that I am into D/s. The idea of being dominated doesn’t make me feel safe, excited or wanted – it makes me feel frightened, resentful and uncomfortable. Great if it works for others, but it’s just not for me.

 

P.S. I’d love some feedback on this – there are many types of D/s relationships and I’m having trouble with distinguishing if it’s the D/s itself or the idea of protocol that troubles me. Any thoughts or personal views on the subject?

 

However after the aforementioned conversation, I changed my mind a little. Rather than it being the D/s aspect, which I don’t mind to some extent (although I’ll never like extreme D/s to the point of an M/s relationship) it’s more the idea of protocol that I’m not fond on. I like to go with the flow, I don’t want to have to wait for permission to do something, add ‘Sir’ to the end of every sentence of follow a bunch of other little rules – apart from just being a total turn-off to me, I’d be too busy on focusing on following the rules to be able to properly relax and enjoy myself. Kneeling at your feet sometimes? That I don’t mind, but you want me to be down on my knees and staring at the floor everytime you walk in the room? Not gonna happen. Besides, it detracts from the variety; it constrains things within the parameters of the rules. I don’t like being told what to do, I like to offer my services – as one helpful person in the discussion said – I like to feel useful, not used.

I feel I’ve made a big step here to figuring out where my place is in it all, feeling very optimistic today.

Also thank you to be very helpful people who replied in the FetLife discussion 🙂

I also want to say that although I have met a lot of people who don’t accept a relationship involving BDSM without D/s, I may have just been unlucky to find so many and it may not be the case that such a large majority of people within BDSM are really against the idea. It’s certainly not everyone! (Hopefully I have just been unlucky, I don’t like to think that within such a community that’s so accepting, there’s too many people like this).

An Angry Rant and Trying Out Pain

I just read something that’s made me absolutely FURIOUS. Normally when this happens I try to explain myself that just because something happening to me would make me angry, it’s not necessarily the same for others, and so my anger’s unjustified. Well that doesn’t apply here; seriously it’s the pure stupidity of people! Basically the story involved tying someone up and throwing them into a pool – how absolutely moronic can you be? Yes, they only left her down there for 20 seconds before giving her air – but that 20 seconds is plenty time for her to panic, to possibly gulp in a lung-full of water (even a tiny bit which wouldn’t kill you can later lead to inspiration pneumonia – this can even happen whilst drinking water and accidently breathing a bit in. Normally avoiding by coughing up said water, but that’s obviously not gonna happen underwater) or even faint (if they panic). Yes both are unlikely, but the fact that they’re can happen AT ALL is enough.  Even if they’d just given some warning that yes, she was going to be underwater would completely bypass these risks, but somehow felt ‘take a breath’ was sufficient. How can people be so idiotic? Quite frankly (even without the danger of fucking drowning) I would have broken every bone in the idiots body for trying that on me – although that’s a personal response, I’m sure anyone who took five minutes to know me would have to be beyond stupid to think that would be the sort of thing I’d want. But it’s just so, so stupid! And how could they safeword? It could be possible that these particular people don’t partake in safewords (or some sort of equivalent gesture), but again, at least in something as dangerous as this – not necessarily in all cases – that’s just so fucking brainless!

*Deep breath*

Okay rant over – and onto what I was actually going to write about before I read that ridiculous thing.

I finally decided that was curious enough about how pain would feel in a sexual setting that I’d give it a go. I tried a bit of spanking, and then using a ruler – and I have to say that it felt good, but it hardly felt painful at all. Even when I was hitting quite hard (or at least what I thought was hard, that opinion could vary) I only got a tiny sting maybe on the insides of my legs and nowhere else. Either I’m not as wimpy as I thought I was or I’m too much of a wuss to be hitting hard enough (could be the old survival reflex coming in, the one that stops you chomping through your finger like a carrot even if you think you’re biting down hard). But it definitely wasn’t anything unpleasant and definitely makes me want to try it out with someone else in the future (probably someone who’s do it properly haha). At the very least a bit of whacking doesn’t seem so scary, but only experience will tell how much pain that extends to.

Revisited: Pushing Limits

So I’ve decided that I’ve had enough of a break and I should get back to confronting all these negative feelings. I have to say that the majority has lessened quite a bit over the past days, I don’t know if that’s because I’m starting to see them differently or if it’s just from lack of exposure.

Anyway I decided to start with ‘pushing limits,’ as it’s one of my smaller problems.

I actually do feel very differently about pushing limits after reading around and getting other people’s opinions and listening to their experiences. There are still some situations where I’d feel very uncomfortable – for example pushing hard limits is an absolute no-no for me. However it seems that with a partner you trust and respect, pushing limits is a good way of exploring soft limits – allowing yourself to explore areas that you’re not so sure of. Usually these are things that you wouldn’t explore on your own, but your partner’s support and involvement can help push you towards them – hopefully so that you can experience something new and exciting. It may turn out that you don’t enjoy it at all after all, but at least you tried – and you may surprise yourself!

All this relies on the context of a reliable, honest and trustworthy partner. It helps if they’re well-versed in reading your body language so that they can set a safe pace. I don’t think it should just be assumed that one day your Dom can just begin pushing your limits; I think it’s something that should be discussed everytime, not just sprung on anyone – otherwise it could fall onto the side of non-consent.

For me personally I’d want to be able to constantly communicate, my partner could choose to act on what I told them or not, but I’d at least want them to be aware of exactly what I was thinking and feeling. I’m not someone who would like to work up to the safeword every session – ideally, it should never get to that point, so having a partner that’s in-tune with you is important. As with many things in BDSM, it all comes down to trust in the end. Without that trust, something that could potentially be very exciting becomes very frightening.

Although I found quite a bit of information on this it was scattered about all over the place, so no links I’m afraid!

EDIT: Due to a comment made by a reader I want to make it clear that I don’t believe in pushing hard limits – in my opinion this completely goes against the concept of having hard limits at all and I would be out the door if someone tried to push mine. However I’m aware that other people have varying views on this.

My Updated Limits List

Looking back on my kink list I think I’ve been a little dishonest with myself, I’ve put things as my limits when really, under the right circumstances, I probably wouldn’t be too opposed to them. Then there’s also the category of ‘I wouldn’t like it, but if my partner did I’d do it for them.’ Thinking that I’ve gone back to see what I’d change around and why:

Breast Whipping – Off soft limits: I think I would like to try this; it’s just a case of feeling out the intensity I can manage. I can’t really say a definite ‘no’ because I’ve nothing similar to compare it to or go on.

Caning – Off soft limits: As above

Fantasy Abandonment – Off soft limits: Still seems boring to me but I don’t feel too strongly against it.

Hair Pulling – Off soft limits: Wouldn’t actually mind if it was more ‘grabbing’ than ‘pulling.’ Actually giving it a hard yank could really kill my scalp though.

High heel worship – Off soft limits: Don’t really feel strongly about it, so it seems daft to have it as a limit.

Over the knee spanking – Off soft limits: Still prefer other positions by far, but it does seem to be the one that allows the most contact between partners during the act though, so I might learn to like it more than others.

Punishment scene – Off soft limits: Discipline rather than punishment, can’t be for an actual offence or ‘training,’ just for fun or to help create the scene.

Pussy whipping – Off soft limits: Again, something I’d like to try, just need to be careful about the intensity.

Riding Crops – Off soft limits: Same again

Serving Other Doms Sexually – Off soft limits: Would actually like to try, would just need to negotiate it with my partner

Skinny Dipping – Off soft limits: I can’t kid myself; I have to try this before I die!

Speech Restrictions: Off soft limits: I’d want to see how it would make me feel. If it was done with the emphasis of me focusing on what’s happening rather than being something to make me feel submissive I might not mind it at all. I do prefer communication throughout a scene though.

Strait Jackets – Off soft limits: Still not too keen, but don’t dislike them enough for them to warrant a limit.

Swapping With Another Couple – Off soft limits: Again, certain things would need to be discussed first, but it could be fun. It would also have to last no longer than a scene and I’d want my partner to remain present throughout.

Gas masks – Off hard limits, now on soft limits: Still don’t like them but I think I could deal with them in certain situations.

Lectures – Off hard limits, now on soft limits: Still think they’re a bit daft, but if I really knew my partner very well I could probably learn to deal with them. Not bothered about them at all if they’re just done as play.

Modelling for Erotic Photos – Off hard limits, now on soft limits: Actually want to try this, but I have a long way to go before I feel comfortable enough in my skin to do it. I’d have to absolutely trust my partner not to let photos go anywhere I don’t want them to go.

Mouth Bits – Off hard or soft limits: I could be persuaded by the right partner I think. I prefer other types of gags.

Outside Scenes – Off hard limits, now on soft limits: Could be done if we found somewhere with enough privacy. It’d be more of a change of scenery than ‘OMG, we might get caught!’ I wouldn’t be able to relax if it was likely we’d be found.

Riding the ‘Horse’ – Off hard limits, now on soft limits: I gather from various sources that some are gentler than others. If it turns out I’m more into pain than I think I am I may be able to work up to this.

Religious scenes/rituals – Off hard or soft limits: Purely as role-play, I can deal.

Shaving – Off hard limits, now on soft limits: With someone who understood how sensitive my skin is, then I probably wouldn’t mind.

Standing in a Corner – Off hard and soft limits: Still seems completely pointless to me but I don’t actively dislike it. I could probably deal with it.

Supplying New Partner for My Dom – Off hard and soft limits: PURELY in a just-for-this-scene sense. More like suggesting a friend for a threesome kind-of thing.

Suspension – Off hard limits, onto soft limits: With a partner who understood my blood pressure issues I might like to try this.

Thumb Cuffs – Off hard limits, onto soft limits: Not sure on the idea, but might try.

Cross-dressing – Off hard and soft limits: Don’t mind female cross-dressing (as in a female wearing masculine clothing), but I still like my men to be typically manly!

BEGGING – Off hard limits, almost off soft limits: Really, REALLY depends on context. I’m not sure I’ll ever feel comfortable with this or dirty talk, but it seems such a daft thing to feel uncomfortable with. And who knows, in the heat of the moment I might have a completely different view on it 😉

So quite a few things changed there. I think one of the main issues was being embarrassed about some of the things I might actually like to try. I find that imagining doing those things with a partner, someone you really knew and trusted, immediately makes them seem less scary. Imagining the acts in themselves may make them seem overwhelming, but adding a caring and in-control partner makes them much less threatening.

My limits list is now left as:

Soft Limits

–          Domination (by me)

–          Cells/closets (basically closed-in spaces)

–          Competitions with other Subs

–          Enemas for Retention (almost took this off soft limits, but still really not sure).

–          Eye contact restrictions

–          Foot Worship

–          Fantasy Rape

–          Full Head Hoods

–          Moderate Humiliation

–          Interrogations

–          Mummification

–          Orgasm Denial

Hard Limits

–          Animal Roles

–          Bathroom Use Control

–          Breath Play

–          Anything involving bodily waste functions (outside enemas)

–          Cutting

–          Forced Exercise

–          Face Slapping

–          Flame Play

–          Forced Eating

–          Forced Smoking

–          Rubber Gags

–          Permanently Given Away to Another Dom

–          Golden/Brown Showers

–          Gun Play

–          Heavy Humiliation

–          Hypnotism

–          Infantilism

–          Initiation Rites

–          Injections

–          Knife Play

–          Medical Scenes

–          Piercings

–          Rimming

–          Public Exposure

–          Permanent Marks/Scarification

–          Sleep Deprivation

–          Strapping

–          Tattooing

–          Waxing

–          Lactation

–          Branding

It still seems a really long list, and it can make you feel a bit inadequate when you look at other people’s lists and they’re about three points long. But this is what currently works for me. It may change in the future, but this is how it stands for now. There is a part of me that thinks I’d scare away a Dom with this huge list, but I think my list of things I will do is fairly long too – it may not even be an issue. I don’t necessarily want to seek out a Dom specifically, I could just as easily find someone I like in the vanilla world and see if they want to explore. At this point, who knows how it’ll work out in the end?

*Note – on my entry ‘Not Another List’ there’s more options. I’d just like to make things clear in that, unless I put a 0 it wasn’t an absolute no. 1’s can either be apathy or soft limits, depending on what it is.

Sensual BDSM

After searching high and low through the many, many, many groups on Fetlife, I found a few that were perfect for me – the ones for ‘sensual players.’ Sensual BDSM has a lot less of the aggression that I initially found off-putting in BDSM, instead Doms control their subs more subtlely (is that even a word?) through their actions, words and presence. Commands are given but not harshly and aspects of pain and humiliation are applied as both parties see fit – usually to a lesser degree than more extreme forms of BDSM.

Instead sensual BDSM focuses on things such as sensation play, orgasm control, light pain, mental and pleasure domination and teasing. Mental domination is achieved through a huge understanding of the sub rather than using physical or psychological intimidation, the Dom needs to get into their sub’s head to see what makes them tick so that they can provide an intense sense whilst keeping them feeling safe and secure in their hands. It focuses more on making the sub want to submit rather than forcing them to submit (within the agreed parameters).

I think a large part of the appeal of this to me is the level of understanding required between the partners for it to actually work. It also has less of the extreme stuff that seems so scary to a beginner. It also seems perhaps more evenly balanced – rather than having a sub who does things for the pleasure of serving their Dom without necessarily expecting much back in sensual BDSM the focus can be on either the sub or Dom at any time whilst still having elements of the former (I got a bit mixed up there, not quite sure how well I explained it but I tried).

Anyway it feels like I’m edging closer towards my own niche here, much less of a ‘I might try this one day,’ to more of a ‘I REALLY want to give this a go.’ I’ve wondered about looking around for local munches but I might be too chicken to go, I wonder if I could convince one of my friends to tag along? I’d like to talk to people in person and get their views, there’s only so much you can get from writing.

Since I’ve had a few soft days to get me back in a good mood I’m going to try and go back to my previous posts where I talked about what made me uncomfortable and try to tackle something there. I feel all recharged and ready to go!

 

Sites that helped me with this post:

http://voices.yahoo.com/bdsm-101-bdsm-without-sm-erotic-art-sensual-1812299.html?cat=7 – Sensual play, what is it?

https://fetlife.com/groups/9924/group_posts/2199294 – Romantic ravishment and why it’s awesome.

https://fetlife.com/groups/9924/group_posts/2233369 – The sensual Dom – a dying breed? (Read all the comments, there’s some really good stuff there).

Not Another List! – Getting Back To Basics

Had a bit of a mixed day today – I keep jumping from feeling pretty happy to a little upset, although nothing major. I’ve been looking more into introductory articles for BDSM, ones aimed at couples and people wanting to approach their partners with their newfound interests. There doesn’t seem to be much at all for people who just don’t know where they stand, but I suppose it’s hard to be able to take too huge a stance without actually getting involved in some degree.

One interesting thing I found was another version of the kink list I did before, but covering some other aspects outside just the fetishes themselves, so I decided to give it a go – the rating system is as follows:

5 = This is something I REALLY like. Bring it on, baby!

4 = This is fun! Let’s go for it.

3= I’m not sure, kinda freaky, could be fun, let’s try it out.

2 = I’m not really into this, but if it excites my partner I’m GGG (good, giving, and game).

1 = Eh, I don’t think so.

0 = NO FREAKIN’ WAY.

? = I have NO idea what you are talking about. Seriously, I’m clueless.

* = fantasy only, stays in my head

So let’s give it a go! (If I put an X that a simple yes answer rather than using the rating scale).

Types of persona that turn you on

(X) Male

(X) Female

(5) People with accents –OMG, love accents!

Fetish Extra Credit

(1) Smoking

[4) Alcohol – Not during a scene though!

(3) Soft drugs (e.g. marijuana) – Same as alcohol

(0) Hard drugs

(5) Watching Porn

(2) – Erotic Dancing – Would feel soooooo self-conscious

(0) – Making Porn – Too easy for that stuff to get onto the internet

(1) – Menstruation – Might work around it but definitely not as a fetish

(0) – Vomit

(3) – Group Sex

Favourite body parts: As far as women are concerned I’m an ass girl myself 😀 Like guys’ chests and arms.

Turn offs – Excessive hair on either sex, too many piercings/tattoos (although I do like some). Bad manners too, can’t stand people who can’t even manage a please and thank you.

Clothing or accessories that turn you on

[ ] = on males ( ) = on me/females

[3] (4) – Leather

[0] (0) – Rubber – Set my teeth right on edge

[2] {4) – Latex/ PVC

[4] (5) – Sexy lingerie/underwear

[1] (5) – Corsets

[4] (5) – Satin, silk

[5] (4) – Uniforms – Definitely gotta love a guy in a suit!

[4] (4) – Clothing style – I do like it when people have their own specific style

[5] (4) – Denim jeans – Realllly don’t like trackies, I like my men in jeans in terms of casual wear J

[1] (4) –  Legwear (e.g fishnets, pantyhose)

[1] (5) – High heels

[3] (3) – Boots

Which of the following scenes would turn you on?

( ) = Done to me [ ] = I do to partner/applies to both (Assuming I’m the sub and my partner can be either male or female)

[5] Vanilla Romance (dinner by candlelight, movie dates, cuddling)

[3] Rough housing, wrestling

[4] (4) Massage

(1/2) Making love in a public place (not counting play parties)

(*) – In the woods and suddenly a stranger comes from behind and grabs me – Would NOT be fun in real life, unless you regard having a cardiac arrest as fun

(*) – Stranger walks into the bedroom and finds me playing with myself – more tempting if it’s someone I know and like, but what’s this randomner doing in my house?

(4) – Rough sex

(*) – Being raped – Again, no fun in real life

(1) – Being in a public place and dominated in a subtle way (let’s assume public place doesn’t mean play parties or anything similar from here on out)

(0) – Being taken out with collar and leash

(3) – Being used by more than one dominant – Maybe temporarily, and definitely somebody we both knew and trusted with prior negotiation

(3) – Playing in combination with other couples

(3) – Ordered to please others – With prior negotiation and with certain limits etc.

(4) – Sitting/kneeling at my Dom’s feet – Long as I get to cuddle up a bit :3

(5) – Being tied up, caressed and loved – Sounds perfect

(5) – Tied up and (sexually) teased

(5) – Tied up in a comfortable position

(3/4) – Tied up in discomfort – Depends how much discomfort I suppose

(5) – Tied up and (in a sexual way) exposed

(3) – Tied up and whipped, flogged or caned – As long as it’s not too hard (although I may change my mind in the future!)

(1) – Restrained and left alone – Boring

(4) – Not being tied up, but verbally commanded to pose in certain positions

(4) – Tortured without being tied or cuffed – Again, nothing extreme

(2/3) – Verbally humiliated – Could probably stand very light-hearted stuff but nothing serious

[4] (4) – Breast worship

(4) – Breast/nipple torture – Once again, nothing too extreme though

(1) – Dragged by hair and into the bedroom – Ouch my scalp

(3) – Spanked because I’ve been a naughty girl

(0) – Face slapping

(3) – Caned, flogged or whipped without being tied or cuffed

(0) – Used as slave in public, total slave, sold on slave market (legal?)

(4) – Used as (sexual) slave

(1) – Used as dog, pony or pet

(3/4) – Physical limits are tested and stretched – Obviously done with a lot of communication before hand

(2/3) – Mental limits are tested and stretched – Not very sure on this

(0) – Sign a contract – Seems pointless anyway, do these kinds of contracts have any legal standing anyway? Seems they couldn’t as slavery is in its actual form illegal

I enjoy the following psychodramas

[ ] = for me/both, ( ) = for my partner

(1/2) – Being silent or speaking only when spoken to – Wouldn’t really like not being able to communicate when I wanted to, holds little to no appeal for me

(5) – Dialogue in normal language

(2) – Dialogue in adapted language (‘Master’ and ‘slave’) – Don’t really like this very much, I don’t even like the use of titles in everyday life, unless it has some technical use (for example, it’s useful to know if someone’s a doctor) it just seems like something to boosts someone’s ego

(2/3) [3/4] – Swearing and filthy talk – Largely depends to what degree.

(3) – Reasonable rules – Kept in the bedroom

(1) – Unreasonable rules – Nope

(2/3) – Obey rules or else – Not if it’s an extreme punishment, but if it’s just something playful then fine

(0) – Begging – ABSOLUTE NO

(3) – Feeding – Not particularly bothered but could be fun to try

(4/5) – Persuaded rather than commanded – Prefer this approach

(1) – Military/jail type commands

(0) – Strict training

(3) – Subtle role play

(2) – Obvious and explicit role play – Would feel a bit silly myself

(1/2) – Make me feel cheap – To a certain degree, more playful, kind of comes with the territory of a lot of dirty talk

(1/2) – Make me feel used/owned

(0) – Make me feel guilty/useless

(2) – Objectify me

(5) – The dominant must have compassion

(0) – The Dom must have no compassion at all – I’ll show you the door

(0) – The Dom must only have compassion after the scene – Still no

Check any of the following that applies

[X] I need to be sexually aroused before I enter into a scene – to at least some degree

[X] I need to be sexually aroused when in a scene

[X] I like as many orgasms as I can get – who doesn’t? 😛

[  ] An orgasm must only be allowed as a reward

[X] An orgasm is a must to end the scene

[  ] Orgasms are not important, but nice

[  ] Orgasms are not important at all

[  ] I want to beg for an orgasm first

[  ] I want no sex during a scene

[X] I want/need sex during a scene – I think I can come to the conclusion that any scenes I partake in would be largely a sexual thing

[X] I want my sexual abilities to be stretched – Not entirely sure what this means though (just a sort of learning/improvement process?)

[  ] Sex should be used to relieve tension – It can just be some fun!

Safe words and signals

Check any of the following that applies

[X] The submissive discusses what he or she wants ahead of time

[  ] The dominant surprises the sub

[X] One or more safe words should be established

[X] All activity should stop immediately when the sub uses a safe word (like red in traffic lights) or signal

[X] When sub uses a safe word (like the yellow in traffic lights) or signal the dom should establish if scene can continue

[  ] A scene should go on up to the point where sub uses a safe word or signal – Not necessarily, I’d prefer it wouldn’t get to that point if possible actually

[  ] When the sub cries, the scene should stop – Hmm, depends, although probably most of the time

[X] The dom should be able to read body language

 

My love for making/filling-out lists knows no bounds.

I think that a lot more important points were brought up on this list than the previous, especially concerning a passionate Dom and whether sex is an important part of a scene (I think I’d only partake in a scene of a sexual nature, at least at this point. I’m not into D/s outside the bedroom). I don’t really think stopping at a safe word should be a point though – I think that should be a given. I also think aftercare should be a given, certainly if the Dom has any idea what they’re doing (surely even 24/7 Master/slave relationships have some form of this, or am I misinformed?). Many of the points here would definitely be useless between two people trying to find a Dom or sub for them, things like stopping a scene if someone begins to cry could be very important for some, whilst others wouldn’t consider it a factor in stopping at all.

There wasn’t too much that surprised me here like that the last list, although it did help to highlight some of the things that were really important to me. Establishing discoveries is just an important as finding new ones.

As well as this list I found a pretty useful safety guide that covered most basic aspects of BDSM. Not much to say about it but I would recommend it to any beginners – it’s clear, concise and covers most some things that you may have not thought about:

http://venusenvy.ca/Resources/SaferBDSM

A slower day compared to others, but still going at an easy pace.

 

Sites that helped me with this post:

http://www.askdanandjennifer.com/sex-intimacy/bondage-fetishes-fantasies/the-beautiful-kinds-ultimate-bdsm-fetish-kink-checklist/ – Where I found the check list. This site actually covers a lot of topics, BDSM or otherwise, so I’d recommend checking it out.

Slowing Down, Making Progress and ‘Wannabedoms’

Feeling much better than yesterday and a little silly over how dramatic I was. Looking back on my last post did help me sift through a lot of strong emotions though, so I don’t regret anything I wrote. I do feel as though I’m pushing myself a little hard though, perhaps going a little too fast. I’ve fast come to the conclusion that although I can perhaps relate a Dom/sub relationship, a Master/slave one would never be for me. Although the D/s aspect may leak a little bit out of the bedroom I think it would largely sexual – not that that makes it lesser, after all sex is something I struggle with, the trust I’d need for someone in that department would be much higher than what I’d need in other areas because I’m so unsure of myself. That being said I think it would be better to focus on looking at lighter aspects of BDSM before trying to wrap my head around the complexities of something as extreme as a 24/7 Master/slave relationship – otherwise I’m just going to scare myself off and never resolve me negative feelings towards such practises and their practitioners. So slow and steady is the answer.

I have made another little step in the right direction though. Today when I masturbated I managed to more-or-less comfortably finger myself just using a single finger. It may not seem like much but any previous attempts have only resulted in at best mild discomfort and at worst quite a bit of pain. So I feel a bit of progress has been made there – although I can’t say it really felt all that good, not painful or uncomfortable, but not good either, maybe that’s a bit too much to expect at this stage (I have been considering visiting a gynaecologist to check that everything’s as it should be, but I’d have to no idea how to approach the situation and I’d hate the whole experience. I’ve heard loads of horror stories from women who’ve gone for check-ups and been repeatedly told there’s nothing wrong by careless doctors, only to find that they’re suffering vaginismus or something along those lines years later – anyone have any advice on this?). Looking back on the pain I’ve always associated with that area as opposed to clitoral or anal stimulation it’s clear that it’s made me actively avoid the idea of vaginal penetration – for years I’d always avoided porn videos showing it, always looking for alternatives. I couldn’t even watch it. Is this level of pain normal for virgins? From what I’ve heard that doesn’t appear to be the case.

Today I decided as a task for myself I’d try to approach a problem that many newcomers to BDSM struggle with – the idea that everyone involved in BDSM engages in every kink, that they all want nothing but the most extreme and that a ‘French Vanilla with a few sprinkles’ just didn’t fit into the scene. I’ve found several very encouraging sites that I’ll post links to that helped dispel this illusion of an ‘all-or-nothing’ universal approach. I also found that several people familiar to the scene were also getting tired of the way a select few people who engaged in more extreme BDSM were scaring off beginners of misleading them into thinking that it’s all about pushing the boundaries. Take a look at this table:

Any of these sound familiar? Even with what I consider to be my fairly limited research I’ve come across all of these at least once – and I haven’t even been to a workshop! All of these are worrying to a certain degree (especially to those who are only using BDSM as a way to spice up stale sex lives rather than engage in it as a lifestyle), but some are far more concerning that others. For example – ‘playing privately doesn’t count?’ What the hell? It amazes me that people can strut around and tell people that if they’re not doing it in front of a load of strangers, it’s not BDSM at all. Fair enough if you’re into exhibitionism but what the hell kind of message is that to put across? Luckily I think the majority of people would see straight through that but the more complicated things such as Doms insinuating that they can tell right off the bat exactly what a sub wants or needs the moment they lay eyes on them could get a newbie sub into a really dangerous and damaging position. This seems to be a problem that quite widely acknowledged. I’ve found quite a few articles on the subject of ‘wannabedoms’ or ‘fake Doms’ who use the concept of dominance as a pretence for abuse or getting people who don’t know any better into a full-on relationship as quick as possible, often taking on more control than has been agreed on.

These are often people who have little control over their own lives and so are certainly in no position to take on the responsibility of others’ safety and well-being. They’re often extremely insecure and use BDSM Dom/sub relationships as a way to feel validated and strong. They don’t view the sub as an equal, rather as someone weak they can control – not through desire or agreed limits but through fear and guilt. They often step over the set boundaries and tell the sub that they’re being a bad sub for not doing as they’re told, although it was a hard limit. They instil feelings of guilt, shame and fear to keep that person where they want them – it’s abuse, not BDSM in any sense. They impose strict limits on subs that allow them little breathing room for communication –either with them or other Doms/subs they could seek out for help – because they’re scared they’ll be given the very good advice to get gone. Instead of building the sub up they try to break them down and the effect can be devastating – in a few cases subs have completely dropped the lifestyle for fear of getting used like this again. When they do finally leave the wannabedom quickly moves onto finding their next victim and despite the many safety nets put in place by the various BDSM communities, it seems that many of these men/women go on unhindered.

What’s really important here is really getting to know a Dom before meeting them. Don’t just discuss BDSM but observe how they perform in other areas in life – do they seem stable? Do they handle the stresses of life calmly and with control? Or are they easily angered, with constant mood swings? If they can’t keep their own affairs in order how can you trust them to look after you and concern themselves with your safety? If they’re trying to push your limits further than you’re willing to go, speak up. If they ignore safe words or hard limits then get gone. Even after meeting them the first time don’t just let them tie you up straight-away. Have a few no-strings attached meetings, use safety calls for your first few scenes and don’t incorporate bondage into those scenes those first few times. It’s sad that people should have to be advised on how to avoid abusers when the emphasis should be so much more on teaching people not to abuse, but there’s not much that can be done. Just try to stay safe and if you do come across a wannabedom, out them so that others won’t be so easily drawn in.

Sites that helped me with this post:

http://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2011/05/19/bdsm-workshop-bingo/ – The BDSM workshop bingo.

http://www.smittenkittenonline.com/blog/12/sexandculture/vanilla-girl-in-a-non-vanilla-world-by-coochie – A Vanilla girl in a non-Vanilla world, one woman describes where she fits on the Vanilla/BDSM spectrum and shows that you can be anywhere on that scale and that the scale itself is largely open to interpretation.

http://gentledom.tumblr.com/post/27189513222/wannabedoms – An informative post on the subject of ‘wannabedoms.’