Thoughts on D/s…or Maybe Protocol?
Yesterday I wrote a new post, but pulled it back at the last minute. It was about whether D/s within BDSM was for me and how it annoyed me that people just assumed that almost everyone who knows you’re into BDSM assumes that you are. However after this very enlightening conversation, I took a step back and changed my stance a little – for the sake of clarity, here’s the original post:
BDSM is made up of many aspects, the three most general being B/D (bondage and discipline), S/M (sadism and masochism) and D/s (Dominance and submission). It seems widely accepted that of course, you don’t need to be into all three of these aspects, you may even only be into one, or only certain things within one group. There’s a lot of submissives who aren’t into pain and Dominants who aren’t huge on sadism. However it seems that if someone is into the S/M and B/D aspects, but not the D/s, quite a few look down on it, some even refuse to believe that someone isn’t into it.
The reason I bring this up is because of certain conclusions I’ve drawn about my own interests, or at least where they lay at this moment in time. I’m just not that into Dominance and submission. Sure I like my partner to take the lead and when they let me know what they want it’s great – but I don’t want to feel controlled. Really, I just don’t. Perhaps the word here is that I like to be guided rather than ordered. That’s not to say I don’t want to put effort in, quite the opposite – I’d want to know what it was my partner wanted so I could get to it right away and with gusto. And at the same time the idea of exploring things I’m a little nervous about with a loving and supportive partner is downright hot…but does that really equal submission? Is letting someone take the lead really the same as ceding over power? Perhaps I’m being pernickety, but it doesn’t feel the same. It doesn’t feel as though in that setting any power has been taken away from me, nor my ability to provide equal input in that setting. Maybe it’s the idea of protocols that puts me off rather than the D/s in general? I’m not sure, they can overlap quite a bit, but I’m not entirely sure that it’s just that.
After seeing so many people insist that everyone must be into D/s at least a bit, I tried pretty hard to convince myself that yes, I must be too. But I just wasn’t – I didn’t get excited by the prospect of feeling powerless, quite the opposite, I love to feel powerful. But that doesn’t make me Dominant either – I crave power over my own life and its course but I have no such desire for that kind of control over anyone else’s. For example, if my partner was constantly asking for my leave to do something or constantly wanting me to make decisions for them I’d quickly get irritated and start wishing that they’d just make their own damn mind up. Why can’t it be that? Why can’t two people strive for equal power within a relationship? Why does there always have to be imbalance? Yes, I agree that perfect balance is pretty much unachievable – but that doesn’t make we couldn’t strive for it.
I’ve heard submissives talk about their dream of completely submitting to their Dom, and I can only wish they one day achieve that goal. But is it strange that when I imagine myself, my absolute best self, I’m completely independent – always loving of friends and family, extremely so – but not at all dependant on them? And to want to be with someone similar? Or does that make me cold? When I’ve told people of this in the past they seem to think it would mean that I couldn’t really love someone because I didn’t exactly ‘need’ them to function – but how can that be true? My world won’t collapse if one of my friends decides to one day leave my life forever, but that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t miss them incredibly.
This wouldn’t be such an issue if people weren’t constantly trying to hoist a submissive or Dominant label on people in BDSM relationships – not everyone does, but there’s a huge number that believe that you must be one, or if you’re a switch, one during a particular scene. But why? I don’t see why sadism/masochism or bondage/masochism necessarily entails dominance or submission. I don’t understand why people purely into sensation play can sometimes be looked down on either – it’s just one way for people to express their kink. It doesn’t mean there can’t be an emotional aspect to their relationship – that’d be like saying vanilla couples don’t have an emotional aspect to their relationships either. In a community that strives for acceptable of all, this seems to be a prejudice which crops up fairly often – even outside the usual ‘twue way’ fanatacists. Again, it’s not everyone, but it’s a surprisingly high number of people – not people who necessarily say outright that it’s not BDSM without D/s, but those annoying people who insist that you just have to lean one way or the other.
But I’m sick of trying to convince myself that I am into D/s. The idea of being dominated doesn’t make me feel safe, excited or wanted – it makes me feel frightened, resentful and uncomfortable. Great if it works for others, but it’s just not for me.
P.S. I’d love some feedback on this – there are many types of D/s relationships and I’m having trouble with distinguishing if it’s the D/s itself or the idea of protocol that troubles me. Any thoughts or personal views on the subject?
However after the aforementioned conversation, I changed my mind a little. Rather than it being the D/s aspect, which I don’t mind to some extent (although I’ll never like extreme D/s to the point of an M/s relationship) it’s more the idea of protocol that I’m not fond on. I like to go with the flow, I don’t want to have to wait for permission to do something, add ‘Sir’ to the end of every sentence of follow a bunch of other little rules – apart from just being a total turn-off to me, I’d be too busy on focusing on following the rules to be able to properly relax and enjoy myself. Kneeling at your feet sometimes? That I don’t mind, but you want me to be down on my knees and staring at the floor everytime you walk in the room? Not gonna happen. Besides, it detracts from the variety; it constrains things within the parameters of the rules. I don’t like being told what to do, I like to offer my services – as one helpful person in the discussion said – I like to feel useful, not used.
I feel I’ve made a big step here to figuring out where my place is in it all, feeling very optimistic today.
Also thank you to be very helpful people who replied in the FetLife discussion 🙂
I also want to say that although I have met a lot of people who don’t accept a relationship involving BDSM without D/s, I may have just been unlucky to find so many and it may not be the case that such a large majority of people within BDSM are really against the idea. It’s certainly not everyone! (Hopefully I have just been unlucky, I don’t like to think that within such a community that’s so accepting, there’s too many people like this).
An Angry Rant and Trying Out Pain
I just read something that’s made me absolutely FURIOUS. Normally when this happens I try to explain myself that just because something happening to me would make me angry, it’s not necessarily the same for others, and so my anger’s unjustified. Well that doesn’t apply here; seriously it’s the pure stupidity of people! Basically the story involved tying someone up and throwing them into a pool – how absolutely moronic can you be? Yes, they only left her down there for 20 seconds before giving her air – but that 20 seconds is plenty time for her to panic, to possibly gulp in a lung-full of water (even a tiny bit which wouldn’t kill you can later lead to inspiration pneumonia – this can even happen whilst drinking water and accidently breathing a bit in. Normally avoiding by coughing up said water, but that’s obviously not gonna happen underwater) or even faint (if they panic). Yes both are unlikely, but the fact that they’re can happen AT ALL is enough. Even if they’d just given some warning that yes, she was going to be underwater would completely bypass these risks, but somehow felt ‘take a breath’ was sufficient. How can people be so idiotic? Quite frankly (even without the danger of fucking drowning) I would have broken every bone in the idiots body for trying that on me – although that’s a personal response, I’m sure anyone who took five minutes to know me would have to be beyond stupid to think that would be the sort of thing I’d want. But it’s just so, so stupid! And how could they safeword? It could be possible that these particular people don’t partake in safewords (or some sort of equivalent gesture), but again, at least in something as dangerous as this – not necessarily in all cases – that’s just so fucking brainless!
*Deep breath*
Okay rant over – and onto what I was actually going to write about before I read that ridiculous thing.
I finally decided that was curious enough about how pain would feel in a sexual setting that I’d give it a go. I tried a bit of spanking, and then using a ruler – and I have to say that it felt good, but it hardly felt painful at all. Even when I was hitting quite hard (or at least what I thought was hard, that opinion could vary) I only got a tiny sting maybe on the insides of my legs and nowhere else. Either I’m not as wimpy as I thought I was or I’m too much of a wuss to be hitting hard enough (could be the old survival reflex coming in, the one that stops you chomping through your finger like a carrot even if you think you’re biting down hard). But it definitely wasn’t anything unpleasant and definitely makes me want to try it out with someone else in the future (probably someone who’s do it properly haha). At the very least a bit of whacking doesn’t seem so scary, but only experience will tell how much pain that extends to.
Revisited: Pushing Limits
So I’ve decided that I’ve had enough of a break and I should get back to confronting all these negative feelings. I have to say that the majority has lessened quite a bit over the past days, I don’t know if that’s because I’m starting to see them differently or if it’s just from lack of exposure.
Anyway I decided to start with ‘pushing limits,’ as it’s one of my smaller problems.
I actually do feel very differently about pushing limits after reading around and getting other people’s opinions and listening to their experiences. There are still some situations where I’d feel very uncomfortable – for example pushing hard limits is an absolute no-no for me. However it seems that with a partner you trust and respect, pushing limits is a good way of exploring soft limits – allowing yourself to explore areas that you’re not so sure of. Usually these are things that you wouldn’t explore on your own, but your partner’s support and involvement can help push you towards them – hopefully so that you can experience something new and exciting. It may turn out that you don’t enjoy it at all after all, but at least you tried – and you may surprise yourself!
All this relies on the context of a reliable, honest and trustworthy partner. It helps if they’re well-versed in reading your body language so that they can set a safe pace. I don’t think it should just be assumed that one day your Dom can just begin pushing your limits; I think it’s something that should be discussed everytime, not just sprung on anyone – otherwise it could fall onto the side of non-consent.
For me personally I’d want to be able to constantly communicate, my partner could choose to act on what I told them or not, but I’d at least want them to be aware of exactly what I was thinking and feeling. I’m not someone who would like to work up to the safeword every session – ideally, it should never get to that point, so having a partner that’s in-tune with you is important. As with many things in BDSM, it all comes down to trust in the end. Without that trust, something that could potentially be very exciting becomes very frightening.
Although I found quite a bit of information on this it was scattered about all over the place, so no links I’m afraid!
EDIT: Due to a comment made by a reader I want to make it clear that I don’t believe in pushing hard limits – in my opinion this completely goes against the concept of having hard limits at all and I would be out the door if someone tried to push mine. However I’m aware that other people have varying views on this.
Sensual BDSM
After searching high and low through the many, many, many groups on Fetlife, I found a few that were perfect for me – the ones for ‘sensual players.’ Sensual BDSM has a lot less of the aggression that I initially found off-putting in BDSM, instead Doms control their subs more subtlely (is that even a word?) through their actions, words and presence. Commands are given but not harshly and aspects of pain and humiliation are applied as both parties see fit – usually to a lesser degree than more extreme forms of BDSM.
Instead sensual BDSM focuses on things such as sensation play, orgasm control, light pain, mental and pleasure domination and teasing. Mental domination is achieved through a huge understanding of the sub rather than using physical or psychological intimidation, the Dom needs to get into their sub’s head to see what makes them tick so that they can provide an intense sense whilst keeping them feeling safe and secure in their hands. It focuses more on making the sub want to submit rather than forcing them to submit (within the agreed parameters).
I think a large part of the appeal of this to me is the level of understanding required between the partners for it to actually work. It also has less of the extreme stuff that seems so scary to a beginner. It also seems perhaps more evenly balanced – rather than having a sub who does things for the pleasure of serving their Dom without necessarily expecting much back in sensual BDSM the focus can be on either the sub or Dom at any time whilst still having elements of the former (I got a bit mixed up there, not quite sure how well I explained it but I tried).
Anyway it feels like I’m edging closer towards my own niche here, much less of a ‘I might try this one day,’ to more of a ‘I REALLY want to give this a go.’ I’ve wondered about looking around for local munches but I might be too chicken to go, I wonder if I could convince one of my friends to tag along? I’d like to talk to people in person and get their views, there’s only so much you can get from writing.
Since I’ve had a few soft days to get me back in a good mood I’m going to try and go back to my previous posts where I talked about what made me uncomfortable and try to tackle something there. I feel all recharged and ready to go!
Sites that helped me with this post:
http://voices.yahoo.com/bdsm-101-bdsm-without-sm-erotic-art-sensual-1812299.html?cat=7 – Sensual play, what is it?
https://fetlife.com/groups/9924/group_posts/2199294 – Romantic ravishment and why it’s awesome.
https://fetlife.com/groups/9924/group_posts/2233369 – The sensual Dom – a dying breed? (Read all the comments, there’s some really good stuff there).
Slowing Down, Making Progress and ‘Wannabedoms’
Feeling much better than yesterday and a little silly over how dramatic I was. Looking back on my last post did help me sift through a lot of strong emotions though, so I don’t regret anything I wrote. I do feel as though I’m pushing myself a little hard though, perhaps going a little too fast. I’ve fast come to the conclusion that although I can perhaps relate a Dom/sub relationship, a Master/slave one would never be for me. Although the D/s aspect may leak a little bit out of the bedroom I think it would largely sexual – not that that makes it lesser, after all sex is something I struggle with, the trust I’d need for someone in that department would be much higher than what I’d need in other areas because I’m so unsure of myself. That being said I think it would be better to focus on looking at lighter aspects of BDSM before trying to wrap my head around the complexities of something as extreme as a 24/7 Master/slave relationship – otherwise I’m just going to scare myself off and never resolve me negative feelings towards such practises and their practitioners. So slow and steady is the answer.
I have made another little step in the right direction though. Today when I masturbated I managed to more-or-less comfortably finger myself just using a single finger. It may not seem like much but any previous attempts have only resulted in at best mild discomfort and at worst quite a bit of pain. So I feel a bit of progress has been made there – although I can’t say it really felt all that good, not painful or uncomfortable, but not good either, maybe that’s a bit too much to expect at this stage (I have been considering visiting a gynaecologist to check that everything’s as it should be, but I’d have to no idea how to approach the situation and I’d hate the whole experience. I’ve heard loads of horror stories from women who’ve gone for check-ups and been repeatedly told there’s nothing wrong by careless doctors, only to find that they’re suffering vaginismus or something along those lines years later – anyone have any advice on this?). Looking back on the pain I’ve always associated with that area as opposed to clitoral or anal stimulation it’s clear that it’s made me actively avoid the idea of vaginal penetration – for years I’d always avoided porn videos showing it, always looking for alternatives. I couldn’t even watch it. Is this level of pain normal for virgins? From what I’ve heard that doesn’t appear to be the case.
Today I decided as a task for myself I’d try to approach a problem that many newcomers to BDSM struggle with – the idea that everyone involved in BDSM engages in every kink, that they all want nothing but the most extreme and that a ‘French Vanilla with a few sprinkles’ just didn’t fit into the scene. I’ve found several very encouraging sites that I’ll post links to that helped dispel this illusion of an ‘all-or-nothing’ universal approach. I also found that several people familiar to the scene were also getting tired of the way a select few people who engaged in more extreme BDSM were scaring off beginners of misleading them into thinking that it’s all about pushing the boundaries. Take a look at this table:
Any of these sound familiar? Even with what I consider to be my fairly limited research I’ve come across all of these at least once – and I haven’t even been to a workshop! All of these are worrying to a certain degree (especially to those who are only using BDSM as a way to spice up stale sex lives rather than engage in it as a lifestyle), but some are far more concerning that others. For example – ‘playing privately doesn’t count?’ What the hell? It amazes me that people can strut around and tell people that if they’re not doing it in front of a load of strangers, it’s not BDSM at all. Fair enough if you’re into exhibitionism but what the hell kind of message is that to put across? Luckily I think the majority of people would see straight through that but the more complicated things such as Doms insinuating that they can tell right off the bat exactly what a sub wants or needs the moment they lay eyes on them could get a newbie sub into a really dangerous and damaging position. This seems to be a problem that quite widely acknowledged. I’ve found quite a few articles on the subject of ‘wannabedoms’ or ‘fake Doms’ who use the concept of dominance as a pretence for abuse or getting people who don’t know any better into a full-on relationship as quick as possible, often taking on more control than has been agreed on.
These are often people who have little control over their own lives and so are certainly in no position to take on the responsibility of others’ safety and well-being. They’re often extremely insecure and use BDSM Dom/sub relationships as a way to feel validated and strong. They don’t view the sub as an equal, rather as someone weak they can control – not through desire or agreed limits but through fear and guilt. They often step over the set boundaries and tell the sub that they’re being a bad sub for not doing as they’re told, although it was a hard limit. They instil feelings of guilt, shame and fear to keep that person where they want them – it’s abuse, not BDSM in any sense. They impose strict limits on subs that allow them little breathing room for communication –either with them or other Doms/subs they could seek out for help – because they’re scared they’ll be given the very good advice to get gone. Instead of building the sub up they try to break them down and the effect can be devastating – in a few cases subs have completely dropped the lifestyle for fear of getting used like this again. When they do finally leave the wannabedom quickly moves onto finding their next victim and despite the many safety nets put in place by the various BDSM communities, it seems that many of these men/women go on unhindered.
What’s really important here is really getting to know a Dom before meeting them. Don’t just discuss BDSM but observe how they perform in other areas in life – do they seem stable? Do they handle the stresses of life calmly and with control? Or are they easily angered, with constant mood swings? If they can’t keep their own affairs in order how can you trust them to look after you and concern themselves with your safety? If they’re trying to push your limits further than you’re willing to go, speak up. If they ignore safe words or hard limits then get gone. Even after meeting them the first time don’t just let them tie you up straight-away. Have a few no-strings attached meetings, use safety calls for your first few scenes and don’t incorporate bondage into those scenes those first few times. It’s sad that people should have to be advised on how to avoid abusers when the emphasis should be so much more on teaching people not to abuse, but there’s not much that can be done. Just try to stay safe and if you do come across a wannabedom, out them so that others won’t be so easily drawn in.
Sites that helped me with this post:
http://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2011/05/19/bdsm-workshop-bingo/ – The BDSM workshop bingo.
http://www.smittenkittenonline.com/blog/12/sexandculture/vanilla-girl-in-a-non-vanilla-world-by-coochie – A Vanilla girl in a non-Vanilla world, one woman describes where she fits on the Vanilla/BDSM spectrum and shows that you can be anywhere on that scale and that the scale itself is largely open to interpretation.
http://gentledom.tumblr.com/post/27189513222/wannabedoms – An informative post on the subject of ‘wannabedoms.’
Begging, Punishment and Tears
Had a massive step back today. I’ve had a lot of trouble dealing with all the anger and resentment I’ve been feeling, I’ve tried to cool down before writing anything so I hope I can get it off my chest without upsetting anyone. It’s also a bit long, I decided to write my complete train of thought without editing or censoring – so apologies for the length.
The first I’m gonna try get through is the concept of begging. I understand that some people like it, some think it’s harmless, some enjoy being humiliated by it – me, I despise it in every instance. It just revolts me, in my eyes it’s just humanity in its lowest form. I’m not sure who I hate more when I see it, the one doing the begging or the one demanding it. Perhaps to say in every instance is too harsh – sometimes it just comes naturally in the heat of the moment, sometimes people are perfectly comfortable with it in the same way as dirty talk or role-playing, so it’s just harmless fun. But to see someone dragging themselves through the dirt and grovelling at someone’s feet? I just find it despicable. I don’t know why I feel so angry, I’m absolutely sick of feeling angry and not knowing why. I’m sick of being angry at people I don’t even know, and who logic tells me don’t deserve it by any means, but my gut tells me are detestable.
But why? Why so much anger? Anger rarely comes to me, to the point where I can pretty much remember every instance of true anger I’ve ever felt, re-live it as though I was at that moment again and feel that rage burning as strongly as it did then. Usually I can douse the flames with reason and understanding, but at this point I just feel sick of understanding. It feels like I’m the one always trying to understand, always trying to excuse things that I often hate. I feel like I’m the only one who can’t feel angry without feeling guilty – is it too much to ask to just be able to hate something? To just hate it and leave it at that? To not argue the other side or see the other person’s perspective? Sometimes it feels like I just don’t get any understanding back. My brain kicks in here and promptly tells me that this is not the case, but I feel conflicted – to say the heart is simply an organ that pumps blood around your body it can make a very strong case against the brain, even with all its logic and reasoning.
I don’t really want to hate something, but at the same time I do. I crave to just be able to feel my own emotions and no-one else’s. But that isn’t me – I despise the intolerant, the hypocrite and so sometimes despise myself. Luckily I can usually dig myself out of this rut and of course everyone has those moments of self-doubt. I know I’m someone who has a lot to give, but sometimes I feel that no-one wants it. Everyone feels like this from time to time but, with a note of selfishness, what use is that to me? It’s like trying to comfort the mother who’s lost a child with tales of mothers who’ve lost more – sometimes perspective can be gained but should that come at the price of being forbidden of feeling your own losses? A part of me just wants to be selfish from time to time but a much larger part is simply more concerned with others – so I forget my own problems and guide everyone else through their own. Surely a positive quality? It often feels a flaw.
How can something as simple as begging produce such a reaction? Perhaps it’s the feeling of injustice, the feeling that something that comes so hard to me is a trifle for others. That something that would make me hate myself liberates others. So perhaps it’s jealousy? I just read of people describing the humiliation they felt as they were forced to say the most horrible things of themselves and the sceptic inside me tells me that they’re self-hating idiots. This isn’t the case, but why does it feel so? I’m a creature of logic and I don’t like it when my thoughts and my feelings clash like this. I can almost appreciate the idea behind wanting someone to beg, just to know how desperately they want something – but then I can almost imagine the conniving smirk on the face of a man who rips his pleasure from the degradation of others. I just don’t know how either party can stand it – how someone can look at someone so beaten and feel anything other than their heart breaking, or how someone can look back up at them feeling anything other than betrayal and self-loathing. Incomprehension? Am I simply unable to understand it? I feel like I’m beating against a brick wall in my own mind, understanding just refuses to come.
It just seems wrong to me that someone should be encouraged to participate in such a harmful practise. Yes they derive some sort of good feeling from it – whether it be pride or arousal or whatever else – I just feel pleasure should be derived because of a sensation, not despite it. Otherwise should we not just turn a blind eye to alcoholism or drug abuse? Do people who take hard drugs not get a rush from them? There are harmful side-effects but are they any less damaging than the ones experienced through humiliation? Where does the distinction lie? It feels like everyone’s onto some big secret, that I’m scrabbling around for answers that the rest of the world already has. I don’t remember feeling so conflicted.
Punishment raises this same anger, for different yet similar reasons. When a sub accepts punishment, when he/she throws off responsibility and submits their lives to the will of their Dom, is it not simply a lack of responsibility? I feel it’s a weakness, that these people should just grow up and make their own decisions, stop laying the responsibility on someone else – regardless of whether they want to take it. Improvement of the self should come from the self, from self-discipline, from an internal want of change – not the whims of another. YOU should make the change and YOU should do the work. Support is always needed but that’s not the same as simply handing over the reins. I just feel like I’m completely missing the point of the Dominant/submissive relationship – what is it that I’m not getting? Why does it feel so damaging when so many people find it to be such a release?
Is it simply that what I desire is different? The more I learn about the mindsets behind submissiveness the less I feel I identify with them, even though just a couple of days ago I felt for sure I was heading in the right direction. I don’t want to be controlled, I feel that what I need is more of a guidance, a gentle hand to help me through all these things I struggle with. I don’t want to feel constantly nervous and frightened, I want to feel safe – sometimes it seems I never get to. I want to explore things but not because I want to ‘live life on the edge’ but because I want to discover all the wonderful things the world has to offer – bondage and sex toys don’t offer me any thrill from the slight sense of taboo – it seems a slightly childish attitude, rebelling for the sake of it. I don’t even really find them taboo, they’re just new sensations with wonderful potential for pleasure and even more so steps towards reaching that place everyone aspires to, where you finally feel so secure and happy in yourself that you can trust and love the one who’s guided you there. Can’t you have bondage, dirty talk, spanking and all those things without having the sleaze? If that’s what people want than that’s what they should strive for, but what about me? I feel like I’m the only one who feels this way. Next to impossible I’m sure but I just can’t find what I’m feeling reflected anywhere. The Gentle Dom’s blog is the closest I’ve gotten to really being able to envision that ideal scenario – the ideal’s rarely obtainable but that doesn’t mean we can’t work towards it.
I’ve just got so many different emotions all swimming round at once and I don’t know how to deal with any of them. It just feels that everything to do with relationships – vanilla or BDSM is just too complicated for me, while everyone else just seems to move gracefully through them with little to no trouble. Not to say that I’ve surrounded by perfect relationships, I look around and I see hardly one that hasn’t just ended with disappointment. But people carry on anyway, life goes on and they seek relationships again – how do they do it? I’m awed by it; it makes me feel a coward.
In a world where everyone’s living fast and pushing the limits it seems that there’s little room for cuddling up, feeling warm and safe – all the space is taken up by a constant battle for more, more challenges, more sensation. It just feels so overwhelming, but I feel it oughtn’t to be. I wish I had someone to talk to about these things. I have people I feel I could talk to about anything but this, that it’d be all awkward silences and hurriedly changing the topic. My journals have always been enough for me, but now I feel I need a real person to help ground me, to stop me from over-analysing and getting all het up and dramatic over nothing. It doesn’t feel like nothing though and it appears like a huge mountain I could never hope to cross. Perhaps everyone feels that in their darker moments in life they’ll never be able to overcome, but it just feels like I’m trying to kid myself by strapping on my climbing gear and moving off towards the precipice.
I’m just so confused by it all. I thought I’d started to understand but now I feel worse off than when I started. Maybe I’ll wake in the morning and I’ll look back and think of how ridiculous I’ve been, I already feel a little better just for writing. This could just be a difficult step at a time in my life where most people feel confused and turbulent, I just feel like there’s no-one there to help me steady myself and continue on.
I think I’ve exhausted myself now. I feel a bit down and more than a little silly for all the drama. This hasn’t been one of my better days.
Why I Do I Feel Uncomfortable with BDSM? Final Part – Sub-Drop and Conclusion
Sub-drop just sounds downright terrifying to me. If it was something that just happened from time to time after particularly intense scenes it probably wouldn’t worry me, but after reading some people’s stories it seems that some people experience it after every session – surely that can’t be good for someone’s well-being? Or is just part-and-parcel of the experience? I suppose I could compare it to someone who gets bad hangovers all the time but still drink loads (although I find those people much more annoying – it really is just unhealthy). It seems to be to appear self-destructive to do something that makes you feel horrible every time you do it just because it feels good at the time. In my mind it seems comparable to someone how does drugs and feels awful about it whenever they come down from a high. But maybe it’s not as bad as I make it out to be – it may be a much more positive experience than it appears to be, it certainly has the potential to be. Definitely an area to explore further.
Again I feel if I were in this position I would fall into a low mood and get stuck there for a long time. My long-suffering partner probably wouldn’t be able to do much about it either – I’m definitely too much work.
So these are the area I feel I need to look into more and refine my thoughts and opinions on them. While this is largely about addressing my own issues it’d be absolutely fantastic if any of this helps people to come to terms with their own feelings on BDSM. Again feel free to comment on anything here – feel free to disagree with anything and to debate and create a good and healthy conversation. This is my beginning stance on all these issues – it’ll be very interesting to look back here in a year or two and see if much has changed. Feel a bit of a mentalist reading half the stuff written there – hopefully I won’t get committed by anyone haha.
One thing I do find myself wondering is how different I would feel if I had more experience myself – is it that my general nervousness is sexual situations what spurs on most of my negative feelings? It could be that imagining my own discomfort in certain situations is what triggers this negativity rather than really being so uncomfortable with the concepts themselves. Of course it could also be with experience that I surprise myself – I may feel right now that pain would be a turn-off but it could feel completely different if I tried it. Is there anyone here who thought they’d really hate something but actually turned out to really enjoy it when they gave it a go? Or maybe the other way round – something sounded like a lot of fun but it wasn’t so much when you tried it?
I also feel that at times I’m overly-cautious, both with my feelings towards something and how I think something should be approached. Maybe I over-think things and make a bigger deal out of them than needs be. When I feel negative about a certain aspect it often makes me feel much more positive when I imagine taking part in it with a partner who has my absolute trust – maybe it’s trust issues more than anything else? I feel it’s going to take a long time to really discover where all of this stems from and even longer to be able to overcome it – but nothing that was worth doing was ever easy!
Why I Do I Feel Uncomfortable with BDSM? Part 6 – Pushing Limits
I often find it hard reading about people’s personal experiences in this area. When I read them it just across to me as highly unpleasant. However it’s something that you really would have to try before being able to take a stance on it – this in itself in worrying as by the time you realise it’s not for you a lot of damage could already have been inflicted. I assume that a Dom would have enough sense to venture carefully into this area though if a sub had never experienced it and very carefully monitor them to determine if they’re not getting what they need out of it.
I feel a little distressed when I hear people talking about how much they hated a certain experience, but felt empowered afterwards – or vice versa. For some reason it makes me think of people who cut themselves to make themselves feel good. I don’t know why but I just can’t shake that image from my mind, the whole process just seems very self-destructive. Where’s the line between something being unpleasant in a way that is enjoyed and unpleasant in a way that isn’t? I just worry about people who appear to really need to endure unpleasant experiences in order to feel good – I really struggle to disassociate that with some form of self-loathing or mental disorder. These feelings are probably unfounded, I’m not sure why I feel them so strongly – perhaps because I simply can’t identify with them. If I were in that situation my biggest worry would be that I grow resentful of my partner for pushing me, which would be completely unfair.
It all just sounds a little too traumatic for me. I suppose some people just want to see how far they can go in the same way an athlete tries to see how far they can push themselves in their training. A lot of people talk about an endorphin rush in both these situations – I wonder if some people are more likely to experience this than others? That’s one thing to look up on the ol’ Neuroscience course. I have to say I don’t relate to the athletes either – exercise makes me downright grotty, it’s just something I do for the sake of my health. Maybe some people just really get something out of the danger whilst I prefer a more relaxed atmosphere, but who knows – with experience that may change. It could be my misgivings about sex in general that affect me so strongly in this particular area.
avirginsinsight 